living a nightmare

creating..

I was created in the 

IMAGE of 

THE

Creator

so..

naturally I ..

get a bit of this side from Him.

I LOVE colors.

playing with colors

capturing colors

painting colors

heck,

I even like coloring.

i don't feel well today.

Little Man is doing VERY well in his new

Montessori school…

They are enjoying him,

he's enjoying them,

and considering some of his

"special needs'

that just ROCKS!

there are NO words for the praise and thanks we give to God

for THAT answered prayer! 

WOW !

But today..

a call came in from the public school..

They are ready to do his evaluation

which is SUPER important for things like

IEP's

and blah blah blah….

yes.. 

can you even believe i wrote that?

I wrote that NOT because I didn't care what the 

REALLY nice

and VERY helpful lady was saying..

but because my brain feels like it's MELTING

and all the colors are bleeding

and I want to put my best "mom" foot forward…

I have NO idea how I must SEEM to them. 

I couldn't seem to 

HOLD on to the conversation..

what do they SEE when they look at me?

Home school mom…

now May or MAY NOT

enroll child..

also a Montessori Mom

from way way back…

I am like some

Jesus Freak 

HIPPIE CHICK!

with a tumor..

(that she named)

a tumor

that MAY

or MAY NOT be dying..

but it FEELS like my brain is MELTING..

are we in OZ?

Hardly giving off impressions I would HOPE to be giving..

Hardly putting my best 

foot forward..

I just keep stumbling…

stumbling 

EVER 

after Jesus..

looking foolish

and stupid..

I KNEW the answers to her questions

…

a couple weeks ago..

but now..

now I can't remember

the answers to the questions...

now I need to remind myself

that

and I am not the artist of my LIFE

I am the colors

and 

HE can melt me

meld me

break me

or color with me.

and aways

ALWAYS

I will submit this

 Life to Jesus..

because 

well..

do you now him?

I got off the phone

with the VERY nice lady 

from the Public Schools,

and it felt

Like someone took a hammer to the top 

the VERY top of my head;

and just CRACKED me one.

the pain was BEYOND my wildest nightmares.

I could barely talk..

My friend came by

and it was everything to just..

hold on to her words

it spiraled out of control when she 

left the house with the little boys..

I am SO thankful that sometimes 

some folks

are able to help in these weird ways..

I am so thankful for the prayers you say 

any time of day

that

I could and do cry…

THANK YOU..

so there was some quiet..

and we packed my head on ice

and medicated me in my bed

and there I stayed

till 

Rob came home and found me..

more meds

some food

and it's a little better..

but I had to tell him..

it was i think

the THINKING

too hard

that made my brain

hurt..

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"

Mark Twain

I am, 

clinging like an elephant

holding on to a spiders web

dangling over the pits of hell

and the only thing

YES

the only thing that Matters

still is that I 

HOPE

…

and I ain't letting go…

because 

HOPE

floats

a gal in my support group said this to me today…

I thought.. 

well wow..

I thought how I just 

HAD NOT thought about it..

"You're living most people's worst nightmare."

Well.. 

Veggie Tales comes to mind

"God is BIGGER than the boogie Man

Bigger than Godzilla and the monsters on TV"

yes..

YES

GOD IS

and HE created ME

walking by faith

not by sight

with a 

big

freaking 

uncomfortable

PAINFUL

cross on my back

cuz 

Jesus

said to follow HIM