New Years

HAPPY NEW YEARS FRIENDS!!!!!!

I am SO Über thankful for each and everyone of you..

for your prayers.. for your words of encouragement…

THIS has been a challenging year..

I have been pressed but NOT crushed..

I have grown as a woman and as a believer..

My faith could have crumbled but it has never been stronger…

Things have shattered.. have fallen away..

friendships.. thoughts.. impressions.. values..

but something better is replacing ALL that..

THIS adventure..

THIS challenge 

has been painful but amazing..

I won't say 2014 was bad…

for me It's a turning point year..

and I't pointed me in a whole new direction..

I have NO "resolutions"

but to HOLD FAST

STAY THE COURSE

LOVE HARD

LAUGH OFTEN

grow in GRACE

and BE FAITHFUL

JOYFULLY LIVING this amazing GIFT that IS LIFE

with every beautiful Person that GOD has put in my life..

starting with the beautiful people in my home.. 

HAPPY NEW YEARS..

May you all be BLESSED beyond measure!!!!

Today I was a good mom...

Today I was a good mom…

not the whole day long…

but today I was a mom who KEPT her word…

making today a good mom day for me.

Today I took my 16 year old beauty out shopping..

for under things..

and shoes

and a dress..

It didn't matter how crappy I felt

we went shopping.

And sexy husband drove us where we needed to go…

Today I was a good mom..

I don't claim to have been a good wife..

Some days it's really either one or another…Today..

Today I chose to be a good mom…

even when sexy husband

whose also known as the FATHER to FEAR

saw his girlie trying on dance shoes with… heals…

and grab under things off the rack..

and and and

The heals are higher than they once were..

and far from scantily clad

and the dresses more mature than ones she once had

our girlie is growing up…

so  poor beloved was sad…

missing the four year old girl we once had
her "dress up and go dancing" shoe style..
well it's changing

and It's exciting
and its shocking
and it's sad
all all at the very same time
so..

I appeased her Papa with meat at a steakhouse for lunch..

and calm returned to my hungry grumpy man…

yes..

today I was a good mom

I kept my word

calmed my man

and all is well in my world…

for now

(no.. none of the above items are exact representations of the purchases…

they are however

IN all likelyhood

AS sexy

as HIGH

and as SHORT

as her dad saw them…)

when.. I write…

I write.. 

I write about my heart

my life

my experiences.

sometimes the things I write about

will touch you…

they are meant to.

Sometimes they will reach in to your heart

and you will feel what I feel..

or be shocked,

that I could feel what you feel.

other times

you will be offended..

because you will feel 

slighted,

hurt,

insulted,

feeling very much like I am writing

specifically about you.

There will be other times you read my words

and you really, just can't relate at all.

Still, I will write.

Writing is what I do.

Perhaps I don't write well.

Writing well, it's really not the point.

I need to write.

I need to write HONESTLY,

about life, about my experiences,

about my heart,

about my observations.

I need to write, like I need to breath.

I need my keyboard,

or pencil and paper.

I can not help it.

In all honesty

Words take MORE effort than they used to..

I try to sprinkle MORE grace

because I certainly NEED more grace..

If I write something,

and my words make YOU feel uncertain ..

make YOU question 

OUR

relationship..

make you question 

whether or not you have

said, or done, or been a little

less than your 

OPTIMAL

you..

I want you to know 

THIS 

about me.

don't.

I have 

NEVER 

used this blog to vent

about 

ANY 

one singular person.

THIS blog

is NOT about 

YOU.

I write in generalizations

for a reason.

TO protect the innocent

and the guilty.

Fact is.. if you are my friend..

YOU are a HUMAN

and chances are you mess up,

AS much as ME..

and need protecting,

JUST for being my friend

or family member..

because OH MY…

I write!!

so..

If a circumstance comes up..

and someone says something 

"stupid"

I let it go..

REALLY!!!

If it's the something

that I have heard 15 times before

well then..

I write about it..

IF

by chance..

I have also seen that SAME thing 

chatted about in a support group

after support group..

you BET

I write about it..

If you happened to be a person

IN my life

who said that "stupid" thing..

and then

 saw it on THIS blog

or saw it on 

"overcoming moriarty" fb site

please…

PLEASE

don't get your undies in a bunch..

it means

you are in VERY good company.

IT means

LOTS of folks

say 

stupid things

JUST like you.

In fact…

I may have said the same thing at one point.

I often rebuke myself..

in case you haven't noticed..

SO

Let's go over some 

BASICS 

here

***

I have walked the death walk 

of Cancer 5 times..

2 times

VERY intimately

with my Mother

who was my best friend

and then

with my Father

who was my OTHER bestest friend.

They got to hear some really stupid things..

Which means I got to hear 

all about those things..

***

I have an adopted child

who has some unique challenges..

believe me when I tell you..

people say REALLY 

hurtful

STUPID things

they do not mean to..

but they do

it's HUMAN to do so..

I got over it a LONG time ago..

seriously..

so should you..

but I won't pretend their words were 

anything BUT exactly that.

***

5 of the 6 of us went through 

LYME Disease

along with different Co-Infections..

and THAT was a freakish nightmare..

believe me..

these are just the HIGHLIGHTS

of some of what life has had for me..

and 

people

SAY stupid things

and IF you happen

to read 

YOUR 

stupid on this blog...

suck it up buttercup

I love ya anyways…

more importantly 

GOD 

loves 

YOU

we

have 

all 

said 

stupid words..

been 

stupid… 

done stupid..

The key is..

to learning from the stupid 

& choosing to grow..

NOT pretending it was smart..

or loving..

or compassionate..

or in the best interest of…

just… admission of stupid..

it's a humbling thing..

we do with God..

So

IF you feel like you're walking on egg shells 

around me because of THIS blog

and MY writing..

afraid of what I will write next..

afraid you are doing something wrong..

JUST remember..

you have to crack a few eggs

if you are gonna bake a cake!

so lets get baking

and get over

ourselves..

learning and growing in 

grace and truth

Let's face it..

You are either MY friend..

or MY family member..

OR

 you are reading this

because you have someone in your life

OR

 are someone

that is struggling with a health matter

that relates to my health issue

and 

you are drawing from this in some way…

THIS is new.

new to you.

new to me.

I am living a NEW normal.

I can't live up to 

ANYONE's 

expectations;

anyone's standards.

I have a 

new normal..

and walking by grace

is taking on a whole new 

defining view to me..

I am stumbling after Jesus..

falling often,

but moving forward none the less.

my words are mine.

about MY life experience.

a journaling of my adventure in Christ

and my dealings with humanity..

it's not meant to wound you.

but to bless you.

YOU are loved.

Exciting times...

Moriarty…

and

PANDAS

not those pandas.. THESE PANDAS

Lime...

oops .. I mean LYME

POTS

not these kinds

not even these kinds

but 

POTS

as in 

Postural

Orthostatic

Tachycardia

Syndrome

part 1

part 2

co-infections

pre this.. and pre that

and delays

and inflammations

and auto immunity this and that

and 

allergies up the Ying Yang

and 

migraines 

and exhaustion

and fatigue

and 

this is just some of what we deal with

from 

pre-school through college

my thoughts?

ha ha!

isn't 

God  GREAT??

it's exciting really..

and I am off..

to nap..

I can do better

Christmas Season is SO special to me..

let me rephrase that…

Christmas season 

used to be

SO special to me.

My parents MADE it SO special.

They had a way of making it feel like 

MAGIC !

now..

now they are gone..

I miss them SO much..

now...

it's all just rather hard.

rather challenging.

There is nothing magical about it..

Which.. in some ways…

is ok..

It's a harsh.. and yet important reminder..

Christmas perhaps Is NOT about Magic.

but about THAT baby

in a manger..

So this year,

Machine Man & I took a more relaxed approach.

a more.. focused approach…

focused on the BABY in the manger…

With Moriarty, & CS being down, & Little Mans health icky

we thought relaxed was 

The WAY to go..

In hopes of sparking

some of that magic..

because SOMETIMES

we loose the magic by trying too hard.

by thinking too hard..

by forcing things…

by changing things up TOO much.

I think.. perhaps we got a little closer to the goal..

not much.. but a little..

and heading in the RIGHT direction..

is really what it's ALL about ..

Christmas season is full of a LOT of things..

Full of food, we KNOW we shouldn't eat…

Full of shopping, and lights..

It's a season of traffic jams,

and weird weather patterns,

and school productions, 

with lines to remember...

and work parties

and school parties

and arts and crafts.

Christmas Season is FULL.

It is full of seeing people we don't often see.

People we love, but all too often people who we don't really ..

REALLY do life with.

People who ask a LOT of questions..

but don't have the time, 

or perhaps the actual interest in actually listening to the answers

to the many questions they ask.

Sometimes Questions.. 

which...require bigger answers than people think.

So, it's awkward.

Especially when ones brain has been fried by a 

Gamma Knife..

and ones thyroid is totally whacked out

and… and .. and...

and the filter is a bit broken

and I am trying hard to process…

EVERYTHING.

from lights

to sparkles

and colors

and so many voices

and so many sounds

and so many …

everythings..

hard to process

all.of.it.

so I try.. to 

and let EVERYTHING else go…

but here's the thing..

and what MOST people don't understand

ABOUT 

introverts

I was raised to BE outgoing.. 

but I AM an introvert by nature..

Machine man.. HE is the extrovert.. 

who is QUIET by life's experience..

so … I appear bubbly at times… 

but I get my energy from being alone…

solitude… books.. painting, photography...

He, however... from being amongst others…

When I am ill…

 I REALLY don't do great in social settings.

I really try.. 

for him.

but..

It's SO hard.

I could hibernate all the winter long.

see… because I am often bubbly..

because I was raised to be outgoing..

Many people are VERY uncomfortable around me

when I can't keep that up.

VERY uncomfortable around my "unbubbly" side..

It's not a fake me or anything..

I really DO get bubbly.

I really GET social..

for short spurts. and then I run out of energy,

and go home to "re-boot"

read a book, 

take a nap..

cook

etc..

but when I don't have that energy to begin with..

like since after surgery,

when my brain is a bit off kilter…

People… I have noticed… 

some people, are uncomfortable.

and they let me hear ALL about it..

because believe me..

I need MORE condemnation.?

Seriously…?

I don't..

If MY health upsets you..

please..

1.  take it to God in prayer first.

2.  seek WISE counsel..

these first two things are 

CLEARLY laid out in scripture.

do this for any ill person in your life.

do not just go to them

with all your woes about how

their behavior during THEIR trial is making 

YOU feel this or that…

stop and ask..

3. is it about you?

4. are YOU sprinkling grace?

5. Is this person in a place to even grasp this in a healthy way?

6. IS God calling you to speak into their lives?

I am actually shocked 

at how many people have decided

that NOW is the time to leave me,

or tell me how they REALLY feel,

or what they REALLY think,

now…

not when I was healthy..

NOT when my mind was clear before they melted some of it..

NOW 

during my healing..

It causes me pause..

Were these folks so insecure..

Were they waiting for me to be weak

so they could feel strong…?

so sad.. too bad..

too bad for them..

I am a warrior now

I am survived a great battle..

MANY battles actually..

and am in 

constant daily training..

simple things MIGHT be hard for me now.. 

but that's because 

I am wearing

ARMOR.

The Armor of God…

and I will tell you friends….

It's about a baby in a manger..

That became a MAN on a cross..

that was a GOD the whole time..

and paid the price for my sin

and for yours

and 

we need to learn to wield our weapons better

and not injure one another

we need to stop..

and put it all before HIM

and consider everything

in the the LIGHT of Christ

and HIS work

and HIS teachings

and HIS love

and HIS grace

and HIS peace

and HIM

just… 

HIM

we can do better..

each of us..

I know..

I can

hold fast.. battles are rough stuff

There is a side to Moriarty

that I don't LIKE to talk about…

A dark side

that you 

hopefully understood

just by knowing his NAME…

He is truly wicked..

He doesn't JUST hurt with pain..

He messes with me..

and people..

Many people are really REALLY intimidated by

his very presence..

In fact, sometimes .. 

people say things.

They say things they NORMALLY would never say..

They say things, that they would be SHOCKED to hear another say..

They say out loud, things they themselves can NOT believe they just said..

it's like,

foot IN the mouth syndrome…

and 

those things they say, 

are the things

that Moriarty uses..

Things that he loves to use,

 to injure the soul

to pierce the heart.

It's ALMOST like..

he hires people

without their knowing it

People say these words .. 

they say ALL these words, that have ALL this meaning...

and Moriarty just takes the words and he twists them…. 

leaving me with horrible things to think on…

let's see if you can IMAGINE what he might do with these..

Me: "Just can't determine that yet.. we are taking things one day at a time.  With the brain tumor we just have to trust and wait on God.. there isn't a whole lot of planning ahead"

Person #1 "Oh… you are soooo..just loving this brain tumor thing.. aren't you?"

digest that.

Me: 'Every day with the grass BENEATH my feet is a good one.  I am so thankful"

Person #2 "Wouldn't it be even better when the grass is above.  Then you'll be with Jesus"

digest that.

Me: "I think.. I am sorting out how to tell… (fill in the blank) it's just hard.. you know?  I want to speak it the right way…

Person # 3 " yeah.. MY advise.. don't tell anyone.. I mean. why does anyone NEED to know?  What do you need to worry them all over this for?  If it's not cancer.. just keep your tumor to yourself. "

and that…

Me "  Buddy is sad.. this is hard for him.. he's lost 3 people he loves very much, and now his Mama has a brain tumor.. I am just a little concerned for him is all.. maybe you could pray with me for him?

Person #4 "Yeah.. I think you are freaking your kid out.. I don't know why he even KNOWS about it.. and I think YOU are the one freaked out.. stop stressing your kid out.. You are imagining it.. leave him be.  I think you are the problem in his life."

yeah… the list.. goes on and on…

so imagine

what he does with that?

in my brain?

how twisted it gets..

when things get crazy 

and rushed

and my head is pounding

and 

suddenly …

I make everything worse..

am a bad mother…

a burden of a wife..

a horrible person

would be better off dead..

should WANT to die…

should SHUT up..

keep it to myself

and 

just disappear…

yeah..

somehow..

that doesn't sound like JESUS ..

at ALL

it IS a battle friends

Its dirty..

and scary

and the enemy doesn't play fair..

he's wicked.

he gets inside other peoples heads

and then uses the words they say…

the very foolishly spoken..

 the stumbling, stupid, thoughtless, oops words

that they can't stick BACK into their mouths words

and he

makes them so ugly..

so much uglier...

but I know.. 

where to run..

its the running to get there..

that is hard

it's the getting to that tower…

to that safe place..

the calling on the Name above ALL names..

JESUS

that I have to remember to do..

the doing it that can BE a challenge…

it sounds to easy..

crying out to HIM..

over the pain

over the hurt

over the self condemnation

over the words..

so many words..

words like fiery arrows..

flaming and hurtful..

and I know.. who my real enemy is..

yes.. I know

and because it is a battle..

I need to cling to the WORD of God

and it's teachings and instructions

Alas, I am still..

a thin skinned girl

with a tumor in her brain..

and putting on my armor is just

something I struggle with.

Its heavy

and uncomfortable

It is hard for me.

I am weak, and weary.

I WISH I was thick skinned..

but I am not..

My armor is from God.

It's equipment for the battle.

It is good,

and it is STRONG

and HE defends me

but makes sure there is

 this armor for me anyways..

He assures me everything will be good;

that I have NOTHING to be anxious about,

and...this I believe.

It's just that unless you learn how powerful light is..

one great thing about light..

is that it IS light and not heavy and burdensome..

There is much to learn about light...

It is hard to understand how all enveloping darkness can be..

and unless you have been in real true darkness, you don't really…

value Light.

you just don't..

we live in a culture that is very lit up. 

for the most part..

in comparison to a century ago.

the Light HAS to be so much stronger..

because darkness is a pretty big deal

The light..

it can pierce,

it can heal, 

or it can burn. 

Light is amazing,

it can

illuminate

or add

warmth..

it can do SO much…

and it HAS to do so much…

Light and darkness DO things..

Their work is active..

not passive

they seem to me..

to be more than forces..

but entities

beings of some kind.

Something beyond my mortal understanding.

In this battle

In this dark place in my mind

It is Jesus I run to..

because

He straightens out those thoughts

puts right those hurt feelings

mends my aching heart

and reminds Moriarty who 

WINS in the End..

because..

I read the book..

that Bible on my nightstand.

I have read it many times,

cover to cover,

inside and out,

and I KNOW how the story ends

I know the players

I know how it starts

I totally GET what it's about

and 

I know my Redeemer

how can you help me overcome Moriarty?

how can you help your loved ones overcome THIER demons?

prayer.

Prayer is the best and first resort.

Not the last.

it's Triage

not the last ditch effort..

it's our BEST hope

because it's a real honest conversation

with the One who created all that is

the One who created the one we love

about our mutual love..

in Jesus' name.

it's the first best thing you can do.

next.

if your foot accidentally slips right into your mouth..

just pop it out, and tell them..

ask for grace and forgiveness..

tell your loved one how much they matter to you..

and that this is freaking you out…it's OK to say that.

if your loved one seems snappy or off..

don't instantly take offense..

try again.

they may be in the midst of a battle,

or in pain, grace should abound in your relationships.

sprinkle it on lie you would sprinkles on a child's birthday cake,

with extreme generosity.

Be excessive with your grace sprinkles..

Jesus was with us.

At our house, we call it  

"Jesus Sprinkles"

When everything has gone to "hell" and chaos seems to prevail..

When the people are loud

and faces are wet with tears, and feelings are hurt

and all seems lost for a moment

someone…

will shout out

"JESUS Sprinkles"

and we all sort of stop..

and we remember we need to 

give THAT kind of grace

because we were given that grace...

Having an illness..

a disease,

a tumor

a cancer

an invisible illness

a mental illness

any disablility

a child with "issues"

what EVER ..

it's just.. hard stuff…

and stumbling… messing up.. falling ..

tripping down the stairs with

our skirt up over our head

it's what we do when life is HARD..

and we need our loved ones to hold our hands,

to wait for the moment the belly laugh comes..

because..

it will..

if there is grace

and we are COVERED in prayer.

that belly laugh, that smile will come. 

so friends, 

thank you all..

Thank you 

because YOU are praying for me

and I can feel it when I am my battles…

as I call upon the Lord, who IS my 

STRONG TOWER

and remind myself of the Promises of God

and recall the Scriptures

and His steadfast faithfulness..

His goodness

and His unfailing LOVE for me

I feel.. in my very soul..

you.. praying for me..

and for my family.

and I am ever so thankful.

because..

they are so beautiful to me

I love each of them

beyond measure.

As you fight your fights…

BE bold..

tell your friends and family.

so they can pray for you and with you.

don't go at this alone.

Trust that their words are not always what they seem.

that the enemy has a way of twisting things..

He did it in the garden.. He's shown his hand..

Know.. beyond a doubt that God IS faithful 

and He wins in the end..

if not..READ that Bible!

and hold fast..

because 

YOU are LOVED