Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years


I am SO Über thankful for each and everyone of you..
for your prayers.. for your words of encouragement…
THIS has been a challenging year..
I have been pressed but NOT crushed..
I have grown as a woman and as a believer..
My faith could have crumbled but it has never been stronger…
Things have shattered.. have fallen away..
friendships.. thoughts.. impressions.. values..
but something better is replacing ALL that..
THIS adventure..
THIS challenge 
has been painful but amazing..
I won't say 2014 was bad…
for me It's a turning point year..
and I't pointed me in a whole new direction..
I have NO "resolutions"
but to HOLD FAST
grow in GRACE
with every beautiful Person that GOD has put in my life..
starting with the beautiful people in my home.. 

May you all be BLESSED beyond measure!!!!

Today I was a good mom...

Today I was a good mom…
not the whole day long…
but today I was a mom who KEPT her word…
making today a good mom day for me.
Today I took my 16 year old beauty out shopping..
for under things..

and shoes

and a dress..

It didn't matter how crappy I felt
we went shopping.
And sexy husband drove us where we needed to go…
Today I was a good mom..
I don't claim to have been a good wife..
Some days it's really either one or another…Today..
Today I chose to be a good mom…
even when sexy husband
whose also known as the FATHER to FEAR
saw his girlie trying on dance shoes with… heals…
and grab under things off the rack..
and and and
The heals are higher than they once were..
and far from scantily clad
and the dresses more mature than ones she once had
our girlie is growing up…
so  poor beloved was sad…
missing the four year old girl we once had
her "dress up and go dancing" shoe style..
well it's changing
and It's exciting
and its shocking
and it's sad
all all at the very same time
I appeased her Papa with meat at a steakhouse for lunch..
and calm returned to my hungry grumpy man…
today I was a good mom
I kept my word
calmed my man
and all is well in my world…
for now

(no.. none of the above items are exact representations of the purchases…
they are however
IN all likelyhood
AS sexy
and as SHORT
as her dad saw them…)

Sunday, December 28, 2014

when.. I write…

I write.. 
I write about my heart
my life
my experiences.
sometimes the things I write about
will touch you…
they are meant to.
Sometimes they will reach in to your heart
and you will feel what I feel..
or be shocked,
that I could feel what you feel.
other times
you will be offended..
because you will feel 
feeling very much like I am writing
specifically about you.
There will be other times you read my words
and you really, just can't relate at all.
Still, I will write.
Writing is what I do.
Perhaps I don't write well.
Writing well, it's really not the point.
I need to write.
I need to write HONESTLY,
about life, about my experiences,
about my heart,
about my observations.
I need to write, like I need to breath.
I need my keyboard,
or pencil and paper.
I can not help it.
In all honesty
Words take MORE effort than they used to..
I try to sprinkle MORE grace
because I certainly NEED more grace..
If I write something,
and my words make YOU feel uncertain ..
make YOU question 
make you question 
whether or not you have
said, or done, or been a little
less than your 
I want you to know 
about me.
I have 
used this blog to vent
one singular person.
THIS blog
is NOT about 
I write in generalizations
for a reason.
TO protect the innocent
and the guilty.
Fact is.. if you are my friend..
and chances are you mess up,
AS much as ME..
and need protecting,
JUST for being my friend
or family member..
because OH MY…
I write!!
If a circumstance comes up..
and someone says something 
I let it go..
If it's the something
that I have heard 15 times before
well then..
I write about it..
by chance..
I have also seen that SAME thing 
chatted about in a support group
after support group..
you BET
I write about it..
If you happened to be a person
IN my life
who said that "stupid" thing..
and then
 saw it on THIS blog
or saw it on 
"overcoming moriarty" fb site
don't get your undies in a bunch..
it means
you are in VERY good company.
IT means
LOTS of folks
stupid things
JUST like you.
In fact…
I may have said the same thing at one point.
I often rebuke myself..
in case you haven't noticed..
Let's go over some 
I have walked the death walk 
of Cancer 5 times..
2 times
VERY intimately
with my Mother
who was my best friend
and then
with my Father
who was my OTHER bestest friend.
They got to hear some really stupid things..
Which means I got to hear 
all about those things..

I have an adopted child
who has some unique challenges..
believe me when I tell you..
people say REALLY 
STUPID things
they do not mean to..
but they do
it's HUMAN to do so..
I got over it a LONG time ago..
so should you..
but I won't pretend their words were 
anything BUT exactly that.
5 of the 6 of us went through 
LYME Disease
along with different Co-Infections..
and THAT was a freakish nightmare..
believe me..
these are just the HIGHLIGHTS
of some of what life has had for me..
SAY stupid things
and IF you happen
to read 
stupid on this blog...
suck it up buttercup

I love ya anyways…
more importantly 

stupid words..
done stupid..
The key is..
to learning from the stupid 
& choosing to grow..
NOT pretending it was smart..
or loving..
or compassionate..
or in the best interest of…
just… admission of stupid..
it's a humbling thing..
we do with God..
IF you feel like you're walking on egg shells 

around me because of THIS blog
and MY writing..
afraid of what I will write next..
afraid you are doing something wrong..
JUST remember..
you have to crack a few eggs
if you are gonna bake a cake!

so lets get baking
and get over
learning and growing in 
grace and truth
Let's face it..
You are either MY friend..
or MY family member..
 you are reading this
because you have someone in your life
 are someone
that is struggling with a health matter
that relates to my health issue
you are drawing from this in some way…
THIS is new.
new to you.
new to me.
I am living a NEW normal.
I can't live up to 
anyone's standards.
I have a 
new normal..
and walking by grace
is taking on a whole new 
defining view to me..
I am stumbling after Jesus..
falling often,
but moving forward none the less.
my words are mine.
about MY life experience.
a journaling of my adventure in Christ
and my dealings with humanity..
it's not meant to wound you.
but to bless you.
YOU are loved.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Exciting times...


not those pandas.. THESE PANDAS

oops .. I mean LYME

not these kinds
not even these kinds
as in 

part 1

part 2

pre this.. and pre that
and delays
and inflammations
and auto immunity this and that
allergies up the Ying Yang
and exhaustion
and fatigue
this is just some of what we deal with
pre-school through college
my thoughts?

ha ha!
God  GREAT??
it's exciting really..
and I am off..
to nap..

I can do better

Christmas Season is SO special to me..
let me rephrase that…
Christmas season 
used to be
SO special to me.
My parents MADE it SO special.
They had a way of making it feel like 
now they are gone..
I miss them SO much..
it's all just rather hard.
rather challenging.
There is nothing magical about it..
Which.. in some ways…
is ok..
It's a harsh.. and yet important reminder..
Christmas perhaps Is NOT about Magic.
but about THAT baby
in a manger..
So this year,
Machine Man & I took a more relaxed approach.
a more.. focused approach…
focused on the BABY in the manger…
With Moriarty, & CS being down, & Little Mans health icky
we thought relaxed was 
The WAY to go..
In hopes of sparking
some of that magic..
we loose the magic by trying too hard.
by thinking too hard..
by forcing things…
by changing things up TOO much.
I think.. perhaps we got a little closer to the goal..
not much.. but a little..
and heading in the RIGHT direction..
is really what it's ALL about ..

Christmas season is full of a LOT of things..
Full of food, we KNOW we shouldn't eat…
Full of shopping, and lights..
It's a season of traffic jams,

and weird weather patterns,

and school productions, 
with lines to remember...

and work parties
and school parties
and arts and crafts.
Christmas Season is FULL.
It is full of seeing people we don't often see.
People we love, but all too often people who we don't really ..
REALLY do life with.
People who ask a LOT of questions..
but don't have the time, 
or perhaps the actual interest in actually listening to the answers
to the many questions they ask.
Sometimes Questions.. 
which...require bigger answers than people think.
So, it's awkward.
Especially when ones brain has been fried by a 
Gamma Knife..
and ones thyroid is totally whacked out
and… and .. and...
and the filter is a bit broken
and I am trying hard to process…
from lights
to sparkles
and colors
and so many voices
and so many sounds
and so many …
hard to process
so I try.. to 
and let EVERYTHING else go…
but here's the thing..
and what MOST people don't understand
I was raised to BE outgoing.. 
but I AM an introvert by nature..
Machine man.. HE is the extrovert.. 
who is QUIET by life's experience..
so … I appear bubbly at times… 
but I get my energy from being alone…
solitude… books.. painting, photography...
He, however... from being amongst others…
When I am ill…
 I REALLY don't do great in social settings.
I really try.. 
for him.
It's SO hard.
I could hibernate all the winter long.

see… because I am often bubbly..
because I was raised to be outgoing..
Many people are VERY uncomfortable around me
when I can't keep that up.
VERY uncomfortable around my "unbubbly" side..
It's not a fake me or anything..
I really DO get bubbly.
I really GET social..
for short spurts. and then I run out of energy,
and go home to "re-boot"
read a book, 
take a nap..
but when I don't have that energy to begin with..
like since after surgery,
when my brain is a bit off kilter…
People… I have noticed… 
some people, are uncomfortable.
and they let me hear ALL about it..
because believe me..
I need MORE condemnation.?
I don't..
If MY health upsets you..

1.  take it to God in prayer first.
2.  seek WISE counsel..

these first two things are 
CLEARLY laid out in scripture.
do this for any ill person in your life.
do not just go to them
with all your woes about how
their behavior during THEIR trial is making 
YOU feel this or that…
stop and ask..

3. is it about you?
4. are YOU sprinkling grace?
5. Is this person in a place to even grasp this in a healthy way?
6. IS God calling you to speak into their lives?

I am actually shocked 
at how many people have decided
that NOW is the time to leave me,
or tell me how they REALLY feel,
or what they REALLY think,
not when I was healthy..
NOT when my mind was clear before they melted some of it..
during my healing..
It causes me pause..
Were these folks so insecure..
Were they waiting for me to be weak
so they could feel strong…?
so sad.. too bad..

too bad for them..
I am a warrior now
I am survived a great battle..
MANY battles actually..
and am in 
constant daily training..
simple things MIGHT be hard for me now.. 
but that's because 
I am wearing
The Armor of God…
and I will tell you friends….
It's about a baby in a manger..
That became a MAN on a cross..
that was a GOD the whole time..
and paid the price for my sin
and for yours
we need to learn to wield our weapons better
and not injure one another
we need to stop..
and put it all before HIM
and consider everything
in the the LIGHT of Christ
and HIS work
and HIS teachings
and HIS love
and HIS grace
and HIS peace
and HIM
we can do better..
each of us..
I know..
I can

Sunday, December 21, 2014

hold fast.. battles are rough stuff

There is a side to Moriarty
that I don't LIKE to talk about…
A dark side
that you 
hopefully understood
just by knowing his NAME…
He is truly wicked..
He doesn't JUST hurt with pain..
He messes with me..
and people..
Many people are really REALLY intimidated by
his very presence..
In fact, sometimes .. 
people say things.
They say things they NORMALLY would never say..
They say things, that they would be SHOCKED to hear another say..
They say out loud, things they themselves can NOT believe they just said..
it's like,
foot IN the mouth syndrome…
those things they say, 
are the things
that Moriarty uses..
Things that he loves to use,
 to injure the soul
to pierce the heart.
It's ALMOST like..
he hires people
without their knowing it
People say these words .. 
they say ALL these words, that have ALL this meaning...
and Moriarty just takes the words and he twists them…. 
leaving me with horrible things to think on…

let's see if you can IMAGINE what he might do with these..

Me: "Just can't determine that yet.. we are taking things one day at a time.  With the brain tumor we just have to trust and wait on God.. there isn't a whole lot of planning ahead"

Person #1 "Oh… you are soooo..just loving this brain tumor thing.. aren't you?"

digest that.

Me: 'Every day with the grass BENEATH my feet is a good one.  I am so thankful"

Person #2 "Wouldn't it be even better when the grass is above.  Then you'll be with Jesus"

digest that.

Me: "I think.. I am sorting out how to tell… (fill in the blank) it's just hard.. you know?  I want to speak it the right way…
Person # 3 " yeah.. MY advise.. don't tell anyone.. I mean. why does anyone NEED to know?  What do you need to worry them all over this for?  If it's not cancer.. just keep your tumor to yourself. "

and that…

Me "  Buddy is sad.. this is hard for him.. he's lost 3 people he loves very much, and now his Mama has a brain tumor.. I am just a little concerned for him is all.. maybe you could pray with me for him?

Person #4 "Yeah.. I think you are freaking your kid out.. I don't know why he even KNOWS about it.. and I think YOU are the one freaked out.. stop stressing your kid out.. You are imagining it.. leave him be.  I think you are the problem in his life."

yeah… the list.. goes on and on…

so imagine
what he does with that?
in my brain?
how twisted it gets..
when things get crazy 
and rushed
and my head is pounding
suddenly …
I make everything worse..
am a bad mother…
a burden of a wife..
a horrible person
would be better off dead..
should WANT to die…
should SHUT up..
keep it to myself
just disappear…
that doesn't sound like JESUS ..
at ALL
it IS a battle friends
Its dirty..
and scary
and the enemy doesn't play fair..
he's wicked.
he gets inside other peoples heads
and then uses the words they say…
the very foolishly spoken..
 the stumbling, stupid, thoughtless, oops words
that they can't stick BACK into their mouths words
and he
makes them so ugly..
so much uglier...
but I know.. 
where to run..
its the running to get there..
that is hard
it's the getting to that tower…
to that safe place..
the calling on the Name above ALL names..
that I have to remember to do..
the doing it that can BE a challenge…
it sounds to easy..
crying out to HIM..
over the pain
over the hurt
over the self condemnation
over the words..
so many words..
words like fiery arrows..
flaming and hurtful..
and I know.. who my real enemy is..
yes.. I know
and because it is a battle..
I need to cling to the WORD of God
and it's teachings and instructions
Alas, I am still..
a thin skinned girl
with a tumor in her brain..
and putting on my armor is just
something I struggle with.
Its heavy
and uncomfortable
It is hard for me.
I am weak, and weary.
I WISH I was thick skinned..
but I am not..
My armor is from God.
It's equipment for the battle.
It is good,
and it is STRONG
and HE defends me
but makes sure there is
 this armor for me anyways..
He assures me everything will be good;
that I have NOTHING to be anxious about,
and...this I believe.
It's just that unless you learn how powerful light is..
one great thing about light..
is that it IS light and not heavy and burdensome..
There is much to learn about light...
It is hard to understand how all enveloping darkness can be..
and unless you have been in real true darkness, you don't really…
value Light.
you just don't..
we live in a culture that is very lit up. 
for the most part..
in comparison to a century ago.

the Light HAS to be so much stronger..
because darkness is a pretty big deal
The light..
it can pierce,
it can heal, 
or it can burn. 
Light is amazing,
it can
or add
it can do SO much…
and it HAS to do so much…
Light and darkness DO things..
Their work is active..
not passive
they seem to me..
to be more than forces..
but entities
beings of some kind.
Something beyond my mortal understanding.
In this battle
In this dark place in my mind
It is Jesus I run to..
He straightens out those thoughts
puts right those hurt feelings
mends my aching heart
and reminds Moriarty who 
WINS in the End..
I read the book..
that Bible on my nightstand.
I have read it many times,
cover to cover,
inside and out,
and I KNOW how the story ends
I know the players
I know how it starts
I totally GET what it's about
I know my Redeemer
how can you help me overcome Moriarty?
how can you help your loved ones overcome THIER demons?
Prayer is the best and first resort.
Not the last.
it's Triage
not the last ditch effort..
it's our BEST hope
because it's a real honest conversation
with the One who created all that is
the One who created the one we love
about our mutual love..
in Jesus' name.
it's the first best thing you can do.
if your foot accidentally slips right into your mouth..
just pop it out, and tell them..
ask for grace and forgiveness..
tell your loved one how much they matter to you..
and that this is freaking you out…it's OK to say that.
if your loved one seems snappy or off..
don't instantly take offense..
try again.
they may be in the midst of a battle,
or in pain, grace should abound in your relationships.
sprinkle it on lie you would sprinkles on a child's birthday cake,
with extreme generosity.
Be excessive with your grace sprinkles..
Jesus was with us.
At our house, we call it  
"Jesus Sprinkles"
When everything has gone to "hell" and chaos seems to prevail..
When the people are loud
and faces are wet with tears, and feelings are hurt
and all seems lost for a moment
will shout out
"JESUS Sprinkles"
and we all sort of stop..
and we remember we need to 
give THAT kind of grace
because we were given that grace...
Having an illness..
a disease,
a tumor
a cancer
an invisible illness
a mental illness
any disablility
a child with "issues"
what EVER ..
it's just.. hard stuff…
and stumbling… messing up.. falling ..
tripping down the stairs with
our skirt up over our head
it's what we do when life is HARD..
and we need our loved ones to hold our hands,
to wait for the moment the belly laugh comes..
it will..
if there is grace
and we are COVERED in prayer.
that belly laugh, that smile will come. 
so friends, 
thank you all..
Thank you 
because YOU are praying for me
and I can feel it when I am my battles…
as I call upon the Lord, who IS my 
and remind myself of the Promises of God
and recall the Scriptures
and His steadfast faithfulness..
His goodness
and His unfailing LOVE for me
I feel.. in my very soul..
you.. praying for me..
and for my family.
and I am ever so thankful.
they are so beautiful to me
I love each of them
beyond measure.
As you fight your fights…
BE bold..
tell your friends and family.
so they can pray for you and with you.
don't go at this alone.
Trust that their words are not always what they seem.
that the enemy has a way of twisting things..
He did it in the garden.. He's shown his hand..
Know.. beyond a doubt that God IS faithful 
and He wins in the end..
if not..READ that Bible!
and hold fast..