forest full

Forest full...

so much…

there is so much..

so many things to manage

it's like finding a path through these woods..

being aware of potential … threats… dangers.. enemies..

looking at it..

It's mesmerizing,

challenging,

exhausting

and overwhelming.

Sorting through so many diagnoses,

so many dietary changes

added to existing dietary stresses in the family;

So many medications, supplements,

NOT just for me, 

because I am NOT the only patient, 

the woods of my mind are full of trees...

all the needs of the children

the home in chaos from the fall through of the sale..

there is SO much

today…

today two very different things happened…

the first..

I got to go to church.

not my normal church.. 

life here made it so there was NO way to get out of the house early enough.

sometimes mornings are profoundly difficult for me.

so, because it REALLY is just about JESUS…

right?

My beloved did a little googling

and he and I went out to worship.

Littles were not in company.

did I mention chaos?

I joke not

Church.

Really it was fine.

It was just SO nice to hear God's word preached.

So nice to be among people who LOVE Jesus..

We did not see anyone we knew...

We did NOT get to worship through music.

Which is always a bummer because I LOVE singing out to Jesus.

These modern churches make SUCH a thing about their 

ROCK bands and their SOUND board techies 

PUMP up the VOLUME

so much

that my brain, was IN PAIN…

I can SO see how that would please Jesus..

we hung out side the doors with the other lepers..

This perhaps is just where Jesus wants me..

with the lepers.

Left out.

I think it's ok.. because Jesus was amongst them…

I believe He is amongst those who suffer in churches..

I see those waiting for the painful music to end,

  I am amongst those waiting to scramble to their seats

and hear the sermon..

All those beautiful souls,  who when a song is sung,

with OUT the band… sing loud,

voices full of thanks and joy and praise…

mine rising with theirs.

It was great to be AT church…

NOT to watch a sermon "online"

I haven't been… since Easter…

when I got terribly ill.. 

from poor ventilation and perfume and music..

Church..

Once my favorite place,

now, the one place so hard for me to be.

The second thing that happened

was I had a total fall apart…

A peircing pain

A shocking deep pain in my brain

so horrific,

I literally found myself screaming out in pain

by scramming out..

I actually mean

OUT loud..

which.. as you know.. is SO not like me..

I can be loud and boisterous..

but when it comes to pain..

I go stealth..

stoic

I suffer in silence….

this was WOW

sobbing uncontrollably

like an infant.

It was horrible pain..

My heart began to hurt..

My scalp got so hot my hair did it's soaking wet sweaty head thing,

and the pain..

oh MY 

the pain..

and they didn't know what to do for me

these beautiful people I live with..

my family..

Princess got my pain meds

My Man went to be our Little Man.

to calm his little storm..

when his storm passed...

and when I could finally speak…

I asked my beloved...to just hold me..

until the pain lingered..

for a while

but mostly.. the shocking part went away..

while I sat there

rocking crying sobbing

all of the forest flooded my brain…

all of it

and I just felt ..

accosted ..

attacked

and so I prayed…

and prayed..

Two times today

the brain sustained terrible pain

I feel exhausted..

I helped shop

and make dinner

but really..

I could sleep for a week..

I am NOT ready for monday

I am so tired.

When you read about Spiritual Warfare friends

and you wonder what it looks like..

this day

in my life

is just ONE example