Tuesday, February 24, 2015

love and trust

serious… I saw this wonderful piece on Pinterest today.. 
I don't know the artist.. but simply HAD to share …
It's captured my heart, and where I feel I am… 
I hope you are as moved by it as I am…
I really
don't understand HIS plan..
but I love
and trust HIM.
Yet even as much as I love HIM,
even that, is less than HE has shown His love towards me…
by it ALL.
and by HIM
HIS love

lost in the great big sea, little me

It's a bit of a challenging season for me.
Perhaps, the season you face is challenging too.
The other day I received an urgent prayer text from a dear friend,
telling me her child was in hospital…. 
There I was, in the same hospital, 
facing so many doctors,
for hours on end
for a child of my own.
Sometimes, all we can do, 
Is say our prayers,
in this wonderful God who loves us

some days,
are just hard days.
They grow us,
change us,
refine us,
challenge us,
renew us,
and we, are never the same after they have come,
and they have gone..

When the dust has settled,
and the weeks have passed,
and we look back on those days,
more often than not,
even with the PAIN, 
still searing in our hearts,
most of us,
at least most of those who have shared with me,
and said the same,
we can look back, 
and honestly say,
those were the days 
that everything changed.

The tide turned,
things may have gotten worse
or what EVER,
but we, began to grow 
rise up to meet,
to greet,
to breath deeper,
those are the days,
where the defeats lessened
and we begin
to see the victory 
even if ONLY from within..
that is the ONLY place it matters.

HE has got me…
He HAS got YOU…
Call on HIS name,
and put your hope in Jesus..
Here's to all of us,
who feel like a little Nemo,
swimming in a great big Sea,
against tides,
and big creatures wanting to eat us,
temperatures we can NOT withstand,
hoping against all hope,
in the ONE
the ONLY one
worth hoping in.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Relax… you are not alone


Doctors are funny people..
They have this secret… amazing sense of humor..
you have to be PRETTY sneaky,
pretty snarky to catch it..
which gives you all,
GREAT insight into 
MY sense of humor..
catch it,
you can..
They say things like…
"find ways to de stress"
to mothers of many children..
"you need to find a way to relax"
to mothers of children with special needs
"how can you incorporate calm,  in your life"
to mothers with children who struggle with mental health battles..
all the while
the mother could just
or burst into laughter..
I often 
burst into laughter
or crack a joke back at them..
"gee, when I figure out the answer to that,
I will be able to pay off YOUR student loans as well as ALL my kids"
insert belly laugh…

I pray to JESUS for those things…
those are the amazing gifts He writes to me about..

and calm…
that is I believe part of my progressive sanctification..
Jesus CALMED the storm
and I know He can CALM my life
but lets be frank..
not Frank.. the fun guy down the block,
but frank
as in be REAL
to the point
life IS stormy
hard to manage,
out of sorts…
What things can we do to restore SOME peace back into our lives?

Here are things that I have learned through YEARS of time in the Word
and walking through many challenges…

Psalm 90:12  So teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom

The two basic things I glean from this is to to find time for the Lord, to be intentional about applying my heart unto the wisdom of His word.  
His word brings to me such peace, and such relationship with Him, so it is essential that I apply my heart first and always to prayer and reading of the Holy Bible.  
The second thing I glean from this passage, is the numbering of my days… 
 that my days on this earth and my applying my heart to seeking after His wisdom towards and knowing His heart should is something I want to be very intentional about. That my days NOT be full of chaos, but have some as semblance of order.. 
So.. having a good day planner, so my silly mind doesn't get overwhelmed has helped ME.. 
I need to CARVE out time for the things that MATTER most.. 
I also need to SEE all those other super important things on that calendar.. 
or I will.. forget them.they will flit and float right out of my mind..
I have brain issues, so I also have a VERY big desk planner hanging from my wall… 
for the WHOLE family to see.. 
we have regular brief family meetings to make sure every calendar is up to date with dates and events.. I have SO much more peace knowing where I am supposed to be.. 
My dearest friend went so far as to hang up 2 of these calendars, one is always one month ahead, 
so she can see forward better.. Her family serves in ministry, and she NEEDS the peace that comes with just standing back and looking at the days and knowing where and when things are planned..
It may or may not all come about..
as unto the Lord.. and all THAT.. but REALLY,
these two things,
bring about peace!
being intentional
with our time
and planning 
brings great peace..

The next thing I do…
well TRY every single DAY to do..
is remember to read this..
and then..
I take all my needs…
and I write them down..
all of them..
then.. because God is a God of Order..
and my mind is sooo sooo dis-organized
I rearrange it all..
I write my 
To-DO list
which is stuff around the house..
like.. laundry, clean the floors, wipe the cabinets, wash the sheets, clean the dishes, make dinner, put books away, do that science experiment with Buddy, organize the desk, sort pill box, call certain doctors for appointments etc…
Errand List
go to library, Trader Joes, Costco, best friends, pick up kid at school, post office, lab for blood work, doctor appointment for (fill in the blank), gas station, pharmacy
Grocery List
produce, meats, spices, toiletries, gluten free snacks, gluten free bread
Fix List
everything that NEEDS fixing… like the toilet, the kitchen, (yes the WHOLE kitchen is on that list), closet & door for Princess, and windows, and curtains for ALL the bedrooms, and… and … and.. 
wow.. that list is too long and embarrassing to actually post on the world wide web! ha!
Learn List
Things I need the kids to learn.. I NEED to teach them, or need them to learn from someone somewhere.. so IF I am not going to teach them, I need to find a tutor or teacher or class someplace for them to learn that particular skill… 

Having some lists.. not too many, but having them .. helps, because I really won't remember otherwise.. sticky notes help.. because I write it down, and let GOD know about it.. and now.. there it is.. He will provide for it, with time, talent or resources.. or .. he won't.. I pray, and write,and wait.. He's NEVER made me wait LONG on the food.. but I have waited over 2 years on the dishwasher.. so I just wash by hand.. pretty soon, it looks like I might get a WHOLE new kitchen out of this … YAY God!  Often waiting, means what you want is NOT good for you, other times, it means something better is coming your way.. I really hope, the later for this kitchen fiasco.. (**smiles**)

all this to say, writing these things down…
giving order to the chaos to my mind
giving written word back to the gracious loving God
who first wrote to ME
(like writing notes in school.. so so cool)
is very stress releasing.
Once its on that paper,
and I have had my chat with God as I write it,
It's NOT a stress.
I know, HE has it.

Other areas that I am working on….That I KNOW I need to work on…
Drinking warm herbal tea
drinking LESS caffeine 
(I am down to, 2 cups of coffee a day!)
less icy cold beverages
more stretching of my muscles,
so they don't' retain and HOLD their tense posture ALL the day long.
We cleared a space for our Pilates
but for now
I am just beginning my "miracle ball" exercises
and basic stretches…
as well as the 
aromatic medicine I am learning in school…

Trying to keep the home clear of "clutter" is a HUGE challenge,
but VERY helpful!
as my mind becomes highly strained at excessive chaotic areas…

Healing foods is also helpful
so planning meals out at the very minimum one day ahead seems to help with stress.

I have a long way to go.
Stress seems to be PART of the package I have right now..
I am definitely NOT trying to write a lecture.
CLEARLY I am IN the battle.
I suppose the exciting part is… 
I am still battling on, I have not lost, I have not surrendered to the chaos.
I have victories weekly…
I have HOPE in the Lord…
I know this is an issue many of us struggle with.
Being a caretaker for children with health issues,
children with special needs,
puts us at greater risk for health issues ourselves.
WHEN we have to face those health crisis,
we have to face them with a confidence that others can't imagine!
If you are facing such a challenge,
please know,
you are not alone,
you are loved,
and there ARE things,
even little things,
that you CAN do,
to make a little dent 
in the chaos of your life.
and bring pieces of peace,
scraps of order, 
shards of calm 
to some of the moments 
that make up your days…
taking the places 
where the chain
that is you
the parts of you that are broken
are then mended..
and bold and beautiful…
I don't match AT all anymore..
I have these cool,
heavy chains… that I am.
but where they broke..
from sickness, 
blah, blah, blah,
fill in the blank,
They are getting MENDED,
In the coolest
happiest colors..

don't be afraid to bring in your broken places..
just saying…
Those are now..
the best parts of me
are never alone

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

are we numb…

Is the TV & Internet
the new
for Persecutors of Christianity?

Things that really CAUSE brain pain...
are we numb…?
 just inoculated by our media and movies…
 our netflix and .. video games…? 
there is SO much darkness and death in our culture.. 
so many shows surrounding murder and destruction.. 
do we even … really FEEL the impact of it.. 
when it really IS… anymore?
THIS week in history…
21 Christians were murdered… for their Faith in Jesus Christ…
yes.. 21 were martyred for JESUS… 
this isn't the days of Nero…
 but it is 2015 and is LIVE and televised… 
THIS day in history
21 real people… were murdered by REAL people in the name of Islam… or ISIS … 

these were REAL people .. who did this.. who had this done to them.. 
It is SO sad…so disturbing.. and I shutter at the thought… 
It's so easy for me to focus on all this other stuff… 
when the MOST important thing.. is my walk and my FAITH and my work in Christ…
 I am called to fix my eyes on the prize.. would I be as brave, were I to bear that orange garment… ? Would I raise my children to be as brave, to love the Lord their God so dearly,
 that they would never deny Him… 
I certainly can NOT save my children..
 but I CAN show them, can tell them, how much I love Him.. and HOW much He loves them…
 I can demonstrate my love for Him, and choose to be intentional in how I parent..
 In how I love my husband, and my neighbors…

 Lord.. let me be intentional in my LOVE.. Let me be more BOLD in my love… Let me not grow cold or indifferent to injustice and violence… grace me with compassion that moves me to do YOUR work in my world… and Lord.. I lift up to you all the loved ones of the 21 who lost their lives THIS week.. and all the weeks before.. and pray… for all those who TOOK the lives.. Dear Lord.. they know not what they do, bring them to YOU, forgive them, free them, and save them..
 In JESUS' name…amen

Friday, February 13, 2015


Moriarty is …


he .. shrank?


How much?

just a little

So… like


no, not that much..
Moriarty never even got that big
He only seems that big
to me
when my head hurts.

you said… Pilates.. 
why ?

Pilates isn't associated with any eastern religious stuff…
It doesn't make MY spirit uncomfortable 
It ISN'T high impact
or cardio
which my body can NOT take
because of the state of my many auto -immune diseases.
In fact,
according to 2 of my doctors, those are just NOT allowed!
They can cause me to crash,
mess up my bodies balance
and make me very very ill..
(gee, wonder what went wrong ALL these years…)
all that to say
I like the basic philosophy behind Pilates…
I feel, I can actually get behind them;
and because, I think
and often people say I think TOO much..
when I think about it,
this philosophy doesn't upset me
I feel I will be able to stick with it for intellectual reasons.

"Develop the body uniformly, 
correct wrong postures, 
restore physical vitality, 
invigorate the mind, 
and elevate the spirit." 
Joseph Pilates
The very point of the theory of the
"extra" work of healing I am doing
is balance,
the restoration  
of health to my body.
This seems to be what Pilates is all about.
I will also be adding walking and swimming
as I am able.
When I get strong enough,
gentle biking with my family
to the mix.
My goal is to be able to dance 
and Zumba 
come this summer
and not collapse for 3 days after.
yay for goals!

you said…
chinese herbs and medicine..
WHAT is THAT all about?
WHICH herb or herbs??
WHO is your CHINESE Doctor???

My Chinese Doctor is Qingcai Zhang
He was the doctor who treated me for Lyme Disease. 
He runs the Sino Med Research Institute.
The herb I will be taking is Artemesia 
is still in early stage of research,
but there is MUCH already done.  Many years of research done on it. 
It is an herb I have taken safely before.  
I have waited till phase two
because we have a nice new MRI to show us a clear picture of 
exactly the size of Moriarty
and we have clear expectations of how much more if anything to expect 
from the GKS that I had in November of 2014.
I will be document the start date of my taking the herbs
and Dr.Zhang will be able to use this for his research
IF he should so desire.
So far the research indicates clearly that this herb helps in the shrinking of tumors
EVEN in the case of cancer.
the research, which I have read
is exciting.. 

YOU said you lost 30 pounds!
HOW did you do that, if you are not exercising???

It's actually a combination of things.
I take supplements, 
and hormones
based off a complete work up of MY blood, 
stool samples, urine and hormones 
that my doctor did… 
yes he was THAT detailed..
and he rechecks and rechecks.
He's watching my thyroid and my Hashimoto's disease VERY carefully
and adjusting things accordingly.
I also take a medicine to help me sleep at night,
it helps but I still have trouble sleeping..
And, I am doing the AIP Paleo Diet.
I am very faithful to it,
I do have JUST a few things that I cheat on…
I do drink coffee.

I went off for a couple weeks with no change…
so, now I drink it as I please, or don't.
I also eat eggs.

not allowed on AIP.
 I was off eggs for 3 weeks, and when I reintroduced,
 I experienced no problems so, I am back to enjoying this protein.

The majority of my weight gain took place when my body was in balance.
it is NOT in balance RIGHT now.
There was an ingredient in one of the hormones that my body needs
and it caused a pretty big reaction.
I had to stop taking it for 1 month.
I have lost NO real weight during this month.
I have remained stable.
My Doctor had to have a progesterone compounded without the use
of soy or peanuts..
As it is not a medicine one takes every day of the month,
I have to wait to take it.
Once I do, my body should return to balance shortly.
who KNOWS, my sleep may even return to normal!

you said you have to see a 
WHAT is that?

It's a complex doctor, who did this UBER cool thing
when in med school.
so his or her days are often full of  complex systemic diseases
 that have manifestations in the visual system
basically… I saw my eye doctor… and SHE said..
the visual issues I am having
are NOT because I am over 40..
My actual eyeballs
are beautiful…
and working wonderfully…
something ELSE is going on..
it could be Moriarty..

or brain fatigue from the GKS
or something else entirely..
the what… ?  is beyond her pay grade..
she thinks I need this other dr.
and Dr. Chandler.. agreed.

why do you want a new Neurologist?

I feel like I want someone who is on the same team.
Someone who won't always presume everything IS Moriarty..

He is after all, so arrogant, narcissistic, and just plain awful..
 I don't like when everyone presumes ALL my symptoms were Lyme Disease either..
sure they MIGHT be related..
we all live INSIDE me..
but it they might NOT be related.…
I also feel like not everything  I say
means I need another drug
or anti-depressant
(which I am not taking)
I AM NOT depressed…

we need further testing.
MAYBE something ELSE is happening..
I am quite fabulous
quite the phenomenon after all..
they always say
when you hear hoofs 
think horses not zebras

unless you're in Africa
and zebras are part of the terrain..
I think we've established
I am not the average terrain!

all that to say..
time for a change
fresh look at me
time to build the team.

How are you…
do you feel fabulous?

I feel… tired.. 
there are some big improvements..
but there are some big sucky things too..
I am alive.
It wasn't cancer
It shrunk
I know my people
and my people know me.
We are facing a LOT right now.
IT is NOT an easy season..
MANY Of the people we THOUGHT
would have our backs
have totally bailed on us.
but people we never 
ever thought 
have been there for us.
We are trying to reconnect with 
THOSE relationships.
The seasons BEFORE Spring/Summer…
they are HARSH seasons..
First comes death..
everything beautiful comes falling down around you.
or so it seems..
it all gets trampled and stamped into the ground.
it happens again 
and again.
Then things that seemed …
like limbs on a tree..
come crashing down..
often breaking things..
Then the winter storms hit
and more crashing..
more breaking..
more trampling.. 
more packing down
it's cold
and harsh
and bitter..
and you get cabin fever
and people get snippy..
and even when the weather gets better..
there is mud
and muck
and rains
and storms
and tornados
and flooding
and it's all pretty awful
you want to look at it that way…
but there are the buds
and the green peeps that sprout
out of the ground
and the promise of new life
and hope
and THAT is what
I am aiming for
HOPE that Christ extends to me
What trials are you facing?
are you remembering 
YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made?
It's easy 
to get overwhelmed by the storms of this life..
especially when it's hurricane after hurricane…
and people you thought would be there aren't
and souls you thought would stand with you 
have passed away
and the wind is bitter and cold
and you feel lost and alone
I know..
I often FEEL just this way..
but GOD is with me
and HE is a faithful God.
HE is a promise KEEPING GOD…
HE has NEVER left me,
NEVER bailed,
NEVER abandoned, 
NEVER forsook,
NEVER walked away,
NEVER been too busy,
NEVER died,
and WHEN Jesus did Die
ON a Cross…
HE did that for ME
and then 
set for me
the best example EVER
and OVERCAME Death
even death on a CROSS
and Rose AGAIN on the Third DAY
and lives 
yes Jesus LIVES
and He is seated…
(not running around stressed out..
but seated, because His job is finished)
seated next to the Father
the Father who never NEVER died
and God sent HIS Holy Spirit
to comfort me…
God has
always always always 
just been with me
giving me the most amazing things..

and HE has them for you too..
and more questions..
If I can..
I will answer them.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Walking on Water

I have been fighting this battle 
possible way I could think of…
and in ways..
I would NEVER have thought of 
on my own...
I even have 
phase two, all laid out..
and regardless of HOW today went
I plan on following through
with my plans..
They are prayed over
God inspired plans..
and my foe,
doesn't stand a chance..
That said..
was the day I have been working towards..
3 months ago I had my Gamma Knife Surgery
and every day since
I have been faithfully taking my medicines
and my supplements
and eating exactly as my doctor recommended..
not my Neurosurgeon..
my other Doctor…
I have a few..
The theory goes like this..
Meningioma's are most "common" in woman of a 
"certain" age..
and that age is "known" for hormonal issues and imbalances..
so… my doctor ran every test imaginable and found all sorts of things..
and WE have been on a mission to balance ME out..
He said as I balance out..
The weight that my body has put on
and CLUNG to
will start to melt away..
I  am THRILLED to say
I have dropped 30 lbs so far
MY MRI says
Moriarty has shrunk..
i am not saying that…
my diet shrunk the tumor..
the GKS probably DID that..
I was willing to do ANYTHING to help it..
either way 
We were all hoping Moriarty would just..
dead in his tracks..
his growing..
prayed that maybe he would shrink..
but the doctor said that wasn't something really worth 
"hoping" for
because it's not something commonly seen..
best to hope for 
it to just STOP growing..
Moriarty is going DOWN
learning to eat
HIS beautiful foods,
in a very new and different way,
learning to balance
this body 
HE gave to me,
to let my soul live in here on this earth,
all these things
in conjunction with the 
AMAZING work of the 
Gamma Knife team
and Dr. Chandler
Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago, IL
have all contributed
in my opinion to this moment..!!
The team was fabulous
the GKS so accurate...
and I am THRILLED!
On to phase two..
Moriarty is going down
time to bury him..
and live 

What does 
PHASE 2 look like?
meeting with a
about my vision
meeting with a 
NEW Neurologist
starting my 
Chinese medicine
that is shown to 
SHRINK tumors ..
it may be smaller
but it could be
EVEN smaller than it is!
Pilates to rebuild my core muscles,
and hone in my center, and my balance.