Monday, May 4, 2015

broken worship

the battles we face here…
they are hard, they are real and they are exhausting.
the roads to get here
and unending…
and just when we think we are close to this final battle…
just when it seems there is but one more hill to climb..
there is revealed but more…
more hills to climb..
more battles to fight..
more prayers to pray,
weeping and wailing to be had,
so it is,
 when your eyes are fixed..
and FOCUSED...
so it is,
 when you have a purpose..
when the terrain is ever changing..
the seasons unknowable and demanding of you…
but with each deep valley
dark and treacherous,
and full of every fear and nightmare..
full of attacks from the enemy…
 the enemy is dressed as one of your own..
When there in the path
suddenly gives way to a 
however low, or high..
however brief..
and with it 
we stand triumphant..
for however long..
and it is there on what ever rise
out of the lowest place we may have yet ever have been in,
we can lift our voices and worship

find that time to worship..
worship is difficult for some of us here…
The modern way of amping up the bass, 
causes vestibular issues with in the brain and inner ear
causing imbalance and extreme brain pain in 3 of the 6 of us,
and joining in during regular worship service is next to impossible.
We've only found a few churches that refuse to allow their soundboard to torture
the vestibular system in this way.
None of those churches that we have found are close to us to attend regularly.
We realize it is a fad, it has little to do with the actual worship music itself, 
as we are a musical family…
we know, that this fad will pass...
so we worship at home,
in the car,
on the porch,
whenever we can.
at least that is my motto..
lift my voice 
SHOUT to the LORD!
for HE is good
His love endures forever !!!

Sunday, May 3, 2015


what happens…
AFTER the forgiveness..
after the confession..
after the acknowledgment of your suffering..
after the 
"I'm sorry"
" I was so wrong"
What happens 
AFTER you forgive?
What happens 
when you choose to forgive
even if those words never happen to be spoken?

You can forgive someone.
and they may NEVER ask for it..,
never deserve it,
never own it…
You can give it..
because Christ gave it to you..
He gave you forgiveness
so you can GIVE it away freely…
and just like you,
it's totally up to them if they …
accept that..
the point is..
because forgiveness
is meant to be 
this free thing,
light and easy,
not heavy and burdened,
(that heavy thing is sin)
What happens if you DO NOT forgive..
is the chained up 
tied up 
bound up
rots deep inside you..
bitterness begins to grow
and we all know what fruit that bears.
It bears the fruit of hatred...

so what happens?
AFTER the forgiveness?
It's called 
have the opportunity to be redeemed
or restored.
There are times neither can happen.
forgivenss is all that will happen.
In Christ,
we know,
the HOPE to be
To seek
see what was knocked down, broken and hurt…
Restored to NEW
or better than NEW …
Like your old home being fixed up..
The Relationship experiences some sort of trauma
some "earthquake or fire damage"
but together,
in Christ
you demolish what was ruined, 
and rebuild.
It's a RESTORATION of something old,
something of significant value.
because YOU,
your relationships
are of value.
YOU are the body of Christ.
You are to be spotless and unblemished.
Holy, because HE is HOLY.
It's why we hold one another accountable.
We are all preparing for that great day.
The wedding day.
Our eyes should be fixed on the groom,
our King,
our JESUS.

Its the WHY behind accountability amongst believers…
It's why people who don't KNOW or READ the Holy Scriptures
tend to think "all Christians" are so Judgy…
In all honesty… some are..
But.. some unbelievers are too…
I am not writing about those here today..
I am writing about the passage in scripture that MOST 
convicts me,
and frightens me.

15“Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves. 16“You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? 17“So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. 18“A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. 19“Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20“So then, you will know them by their fruits.
      21“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. 22“Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’ 23“And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.’

Jesus, IN HIS OWN WORDS tells us, that we will,
WE WILL, know them by their own fruits..
ok, so maybe not judgey,
but clearly we need to be fruit inspectors…
He also says we need to CAST out the bad fruit bearers…
we should BEWARE  of these "ravenous wolves"
He does NOT say we should entertain them,
or "church" them.
He does say
"he who does the will of my Father in heaven will enter"
but to those who practice "lawlessness"
He will say, HE never knew them…
I do not want Him to turn me away.
or you.
I will
LOVE you enough to speak and write truth…
I firmly believe
we MUST love again.
and I don't know that the Church KNOWS what that means
anymore in a biblical sense.

We simply MUST call people out 
when their sin is 
causing THEM to be
separated in their walk from God..
as well as
others to stumble in their walk with God,
not to mention
causing PAIN and suffering to the body of Christ..
We can NOT turn a blind eye,
to those in need,
we can not pretend away the suffering of those
LITERALLY standing before us,
and the mocking of the ill, infirm, and grieved, 
must stop! 
All abuse within the Community of Believers;
to be called out.
NEEDS to be ended.
Now, not everything is abuse.
not everyone is going to be our friend
or like us.
That is not what I am referring to.
It is time,
NOW is the time,
for the believers and followers of Jesus Christ
the wolves in the Church.
be bold.
be strong
be courageous.
The battle IS real.

The wolves ARE hiding amongst you,
preying on your children
your husbands,
your wives,
your brothers,
your sisters..
they are HUNTING them down,
these people you love…

will you stop the pretending,
Stop the entertaining of demons?
WHEN will you pick up the WORD?
Become more discerning,
learn how to handle the sword?
When will you actively and lovingly
your faith,
your family,
your community.
THOSE people
are the 
that GOD 
has put in your path to love?
to tend to,
to care for,
and pray for..
STOP enabling
and START engaging..
Their LIVES,
their SOULS
their hearts,
may be in the balance...

YOU are in SIN

it's time we all wake up
and walk 
or stumble
or crawl after 
and stop doing 

When we all start to just do that simple thing…
the simple things that JESUS said to do..
 And He said to him, 
In Matthew 22-37-39
“‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, 
and with all your mind.’
 38 This is the great and [a]foremost commandment. 
39 The second is like it, 
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

so go..
LOVE your neighbor
forgive your neighbor,
get to know your neighbor,
be kind,
and patient,
not jealous
certainly not boastful,
stop with that rude stuff,
start believing people for who they say they are
and believe and HOPE more
suck it up 
and endure the hard stuff…
don't whine,
complain and gossip…
because LOVE never fails..
GOD is love
He calls you to LOVE
HE calls YOU to Himself,
and calls you to 
and all these people…
before you set off
and head out to do your "missions"
and your "ministry"…
you do ANYTHING else...
make sure
you REALLY love GOD
and only THEN
will we start to see
I know, 
all of this is hard to read…
and perhaps 
you didn't even get this far…
perhaps you think I am 
hard and mean,
a little self righteous…
put the breaks on the judgey thing friends..
I am a broken girl
seeing something
that so many around me are blind to…
and so many I love dearly are experiencing  
and really grieved and pained by..
but are not bold enough to speak up about
being me lately …
it seems to be
both a blessing
and a curse…
and I am praying for
in the body of Christ..
will you join me?

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

It is well

because of Jesus..
I can always..
always say..
it is well with my soul

thank you Jesus

Many know my faith to be strong…
and my marriage to be strong and healthy…
and that I am raising children in the faith…

but … please remember… we live in community.
When you live IN community with strong believers,
it's not an opportunity for you to be lazy,
or negligent in your walk with Christ.

You are speaking Christ in to my family 
or you are NOT.

Matthew 12:20
"He who is not with me is against me; 
and he who does not gather with Me scatters."

We walk with Christ…
In a world of unbelievers, 
people we LOVE so dearly…
this message is NOT for them..
Jesus has given us SUCH a heart for them..

sharing His light,
His love,
His grace,
with all the people that we meet
on any given day
is just.. who HE made us to be..
It's hard not to LOVE what Jesus loves
hard not to love WHO Jesus Loves...

This post is to our community..
Our community is full of those who know Jesus.
The body of Christ is there to minister to one another,
build one another up,
care for...
If you are in that community
choose not to support us,
love us,
encourage, etc...
because you see our strengths,
see our faith,
see our voice,…
you NEED to know...
your silence
your neglect,
are speaking a version of Christ
that I don't want for my children…

Get away from me.
Get away from my Children..
Lets just say..
i never knew you.

I am not hiding anymore…
i LOVE you
HE loves you.
I'm just going to stand over here..
way over here 
with my KING..
re-introduce yourself 
when you are ready to BE in 
REAL Community

Sunday, April 26, 2015

NEVER forsaken

How is it, that so many are SO busy with 
mission and ministry
and yet fail to
fail to help
 those hurting and suffering 
right in front of them…. ?

being busy, 

does not always mean that we are serving Christ… 


 it just means.. 

we are too busy, looking LIKE
 we are serving Christ, to actually serve Christ.. 
Scripture has a lot to say about showing favoritism in the body of Christ..
 here are just four verses… 

Acts 10:34-35 

Romans 2:11

"For God does not show favoritism"

James 2:1

"My Brethren, do not hold your faith in our

glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of 

personal favoritism."

James 2:9

"But if you show partiality, you are 

committing sin, and are convicted by the 

law as transgressors."

If someone has made you feel small…
less than,
or left you bleeding and wounded standing before them,
in preference for another…
just know this..

We are not to neglect one over another… 
or choose one over another when we are in service of the Lord… 
God's people will be served by HIM.. 
It is THEY that loose the glory and opportunity to SERVE the Lord 
in serving you…
for you are precious,
and will be cared for by God

In the end, it IS God they sin against when they do such things…

If you have ever felt abandoned by God's people..
please know this..

God has not abandoned you.
God's people are sinners JUST like me,
JUST like you..
and sinners will do, what sinners do..
they sin..
they fall, they fail,
they WILL let you down..
they stumble,
drop the ball,
do it all.

THEY need the Grace and mercy and forgiveness of Jesus Christ 
and readily 
as you or I…
Their failings
are NOT Christ Jesus' failings.

His love is perfect,
never ending,
hold fast to HIM,
and His mercies will be new in the morning.
Never confuse the sinner with the SAVIOR..

forgive them

as readily as you have been forgiven,
for this is what Christ Jesus would want.

not the disregarding,
or dismissing of their sin,
but the forgiveness of it.

HE will see your pain,
your suffering,
your forgotten place
and HE will restore you,
HE will renew you,
Trust in the Lord
with ALL your heart. 
you will NOT be forsaken..
God will send mercies..
through others…
fear not..
hold fast
YOU are NOT alone

Even the Darkest Night will End

sometimes life's paths…. 
take us down ways that are…
and twisty..
and just when we think they can't get 
any darker..
or more 
they do.

the lighting shifts…
on the path
slowly ....becomes more difficult to see.
The way, is less safe,
and even more frightening than a just a step ago.
Before, we know it..
our every day lives, feel like some sort of horror film..
we bump into shiny happy people,
and put on our shiny happy face…smile,
and enjoy their joy..bask in the light of their existence,
and suddenly they are gone..
We turn and see we are again..
alone on a path…

The thing… about being alone.. on that path..
in the dark..
is , it's so creepy..
and, frightening..
and quiet..
but LOUD.
every leaf that crinkles… beneath the foot..
stones tumbling …
rustling in the shadows…
causing our heart to race..
it skips a beat and pounds so very loudly..
adding to the strange noises in the darkness we are surrounded by..
then suddenly one
hear ones own breath.. 
the anxiety of every moment runs so very high…
"keep calm..
keep calm…
press on .. 
press on…
one step forward..
just one more..
day light cometh…"
it's the shadows that are the worst…
one MUST remember...
because they are the easiest TO fear..
It's in the shadows that our secret fears hide…
where demons reside,
where lies
and dead dreams,
and ancient tales, 
buried and told 
now forgotten,
and old…
live on..
if live is what you call them…
it really is more like
and seep 
as they try to drift into your mind…
the shadowy places
the darkest of dark spaces…
it's why we try we try as we should
two run with all our might
into the Light
the Light 
that is Jesus Christ.
when the valleys
are shadowy…
and the way is dark
and full of gloom…
we HAVE to 
hold fast…
That is what I do…
I remember the scriptures..
Holding fast to the promises of God..
praying that YOU do too,
are holding fast to His promises…
if you are walking in the shadowy places..
call out to Jesus..
and hold FAST to His promises..
because In Christ..
we have nothing to fear…
and as the wise Winston Churchill advised us…
don't set up camp on the scary trail..
ARE loved
YOU are NOT alone
Life can be VERY hard..
but Jesus IS alive
IS seated at the right hand of the Father
for me and for you!
because of Him..
we've got this…

May Peace be yours as you walk 
this Path…

Thursday, March 26, 2015

seeing fear… everywhere

beware: though it is not my intention, I realize the content of this post may offend you


I see it now.. More than ever before. I don't know that I really ever saw it clearly before … honestly I don't remember... I feel like a veil has been lifted, a curtain drawn, and I can see it in peoples eyes, in their mannerisms, hear it in their words and see it in their choices.

People are fearful.  At least many, many people in the circles I run in.  The economy has shifted, and times are hard.  I have friends in many income levels, but the fear I see is the same.

 Their fearlessness has dissolved, and with it, for many of them, dissolved their ability to really LISTEN to one another.  Talking over one another, more cliquishness, segregation, alienation like I haven't seen since Breakfast Club… Listening is like a great superpower.  But when you loose it, well, things can get ugly, and no one likes an ugly Super Hero.

When mommies, every day, mommies, live in constant fear, they develop something a little LIKE, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  They live under constant daily stresses that are above and beyond anything any other generation has endured… well except those living under actual wars and famine.  These mama's are unaware of all of their fears and stresses, THEY are, most of them, in total denial.   From dealing with special needs kids in staggering numbers…to deal with dealing with divorce, abandonment issues, unemployment, serious health related issues, and real, honest to goodness alienation, not mention the intense need in our culture to compare and compete over literally everything…. there are lots of reasons for mothers in America to be stressed out today….

What shocks me… To top all this off, is the fear.  Fear , that they are not seeing in themselves when they look into their mirrors each morning.  Perhaps … well… perhaps they do, on mornings they feel, particularly honest, and raw, and broken.   But rushing, and pride are all together too much a part of our culture, and these Mama's might not have the time for raw, or real.  We must after all, press on.

We are as a sex, afraid of, it would seem … everything…   Not just the things the media TELLS us we are afraid of either.. They only tell us about how we are so afraid of how we look, about aging, about our weight, about our sex lives, or lack there of…. blah blah blah.. they NEVER go deeper.

 Afraid of getting a job, keeping a job, what people at work, or church, or in their own families might think if they really KNEW what was happening in their own homes...Many are afraid of living in this community, not that one…

If the blood work comes back saying your child MAY have down syndrome, and you feel afraid of raising that child, you can just.. "terminate" said pregnancy. Do you? Don't you? Can you really?Because that is how our culture is, but could YOU do it?

If a teen age girl gets pregnant and she is afraid of raising her child… does she "terminate" her pregnancy… because the "fear" for carrying to term for adoption…What if it were me?  What if it were MY daughter?  or my son's girlfriend… ?

We, speaking of our culture at large, would even rather a child of rape be "terminated", IF the mother so chooses, based on her "fear of how she MAY or may not feel during the pregnancy"… when not even the father would be "terminated" if prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law…  Would I support MY daughter if SHE were afraid of having someone else live in her womb?

 If your genetic chance of cancer is above a certain percentage, just remove said ovaries, or breasts…That's what was in the news THIS week…  You are afraid of dying of a brain tumor, much better to commit suicide, and die in a way you're comfortable with, because goodness knows, we should, none of us EVER be afraid?

fear… fear... fear…

NOW, maybe it's not my place to say these are right or wrong here on this post, I am quite sure that some of my personal opinions have seeped through, inadvertently .  I won't even ever say that I sit in a place of judgment over anyone who has EVER had to make these choices, or had to face these challenges… They are REAL challenges, painful challenges, frightening and horrible.  … These decisions, these very huge, life giving, life taking, life altering decisions, are being made out of fear.  That, is my only point today.  FEAR seems to be ruling our generation…

I am part of an interesting little culture… Perhaps YOU are not a part of such a culture, perhaps you are in a different subculture.  Mine is a bit unique… and it touches several other subcultures, just by the nature of ME being me… I would be interested in knowing, if what I see, is similar to what you see.

Way way back in 2001 we began researching home education.  We didn't start actually doing anything about it, till we yanked out our then kindergartner out of school that following January.  We were part of a revolution.  NOT a rebellion.  We weren't angry at anyone, we weren't "anti-public schoolers"  or anything like that.. We also weren't arrogant and of the mindset that we could do EVERYTHING that the public school was doing only better.  No, that surely was never ME.  We thought, we could do it differently… Reach our children in different ways, educate on a different path, inspire, enlighten, open up the world to them.  The tragedy in New York had just happened, a breast cancer scare for me just happened, and I didn't want life to just "happen" for our family.. I wanted to embrace life, know my kids, share with them, see the world with them, teach them everything I could, because life is a gift, and it's days, are unknown.

Being diagnosed with a brain tumor, thankfully a cancer free tumor, and a pretty tame one at that, was still a shock.  It was also a diagnoses that brought me back to that place, and made me look at my own life and how I am doing.. in MY life goals… In my little niche of my universe…
Well, we've seen a lot of the United States, and some of Europe, clearly not as much as I would like.. but quite a lot.  It's given us friends all over, friends and expats that we keep in touch with, a pulse on places in the world that are dear to us, and some, we'd only ever seen on maps, because some of our dear friends have moved since we'd met them.

We really have LIVED, experienced health crises, walked each of my parents down the  long road of cancer and seen them off to their cross overs… also suffered the loss of my husbands father.  Suffering and loss, and grief, special needs, mental health issues, major dietary needs, the list of things that we have dealt with and continue to deal this on a daily basis, is pretty staggering.

Each of those issues, brings a "sub culture" with it. Does that make sense?  If I were BACK in high school in the 1980's … it would mean … a different crowd, or clique….
each and every health care issue is a separate crowd
special needs, Lyme, brain tumor, PANDAS… etc, etc, etc….
dietary issues, grief issues, homeschooling, public school crowd, Montessori school crowd...ages of children,, Essential Oil/herbalism crowd….
Christian Crowd…
the list goes on and on and on.. really, my life is
some of the people in some of the groups, overlap.. but in so many I find fear…

Mama's feel afraid they aren't doing it all, being it all, knowing it all, giving their children everything.  And while, on some level, that sounds like what I want to do for my kids… It's not.  I don't want to GIVE my children everything… I want to DO life with my kids.  I can't BE Jesus for my kids…  sometimes we need to remind ourselves and each other that.

Having battled Moriarty for a little while means I was home… alone, a LOT lately… so when I am out people want to know all sorts of little things… but once we get over the "all about ME" phase, I listen…
I watch… because I really missed all of YOU… and what I am hearing… what I am seeing… really concerns me…  It's got me praying.. for you, for all of us...

I told Rob last night.  I feel so alone.  I didn't know how alone I was till recently.  I used to be surrounded by visionaries like myself.. People who could see the opportunities that home education opened up for their children.  Who could see that the jobs that their children would probably have, probably didn't even exist yet, and who knew, like I do, that it was our job, to keep the world open for them…. That too much conformity too early, too much structure too early in their development rooted out self discovery, exploration and creativity.
  I thought, or, rather maybe? imagined I was surrounded by minds like my own that knew, with every fiber of their being that great literature must be read, constantly, not occasionally.  that vocabulary would be learned out of the necessity and burning desire to understand the words in context of the book…. not just by endless lists for years and years.  Yes, I feel alone.. I don't know where the fearless mothers have gone.

They are afraid of not socializing "enough"; not doing "this" curriculum, or "that" curriculum.
It's no better amongst the schooling mommies.  They are just as fearful.  Afraid of their child not testing well, or getting the services they need, or well, the list is pretty endless.. Draw anxiety all over their faces.  Everyone wants THEIR kid to have the perfect childhood.  Maybe they're having marriage problems, then there is the FEAR, that their child will find out, and a lot of effort goes into hiding those problems.  The list of fears, holding mothers hostage is very disturbing.  And the Idol of "perfect" needs to be shattered so we can all breath again.

As a parent of a special needs child, I can tell you there are ALL sorts of fears relating to special needs..   Am I doing enough therapies.   What if we did this one, or added on that one.  What if we bought this and that too?   Maybe if we just..  Perhaps THIS medicine might help, or that herb, or this probiotic ?  With some special needs, especially when you are still in the diagnostic phase, or when your child has layers of issues, there are just so many, "what IF's".. and "MAYBE if we just…", you can loose yourself, your family, your time and literally your entire savings, to these amazing "what if's" only to discover… absolutely NO change in your child… what so ever…. Learning to not make decisions based on fear, and believe me, false hopes ARE really fear in disguise; is one the most important things a special needs parent can do for their marriage and family…
We've learned to pray, and ask questions like.. and … what IF it doesn't work?  What IF we don't do the extra therapy?  WHAT if, we save that money for a vacation for the family?   How would that money benefit THIS child spent that way?  Would it benefit MORE to spend some time in a HAPPY way with siblings on a beach or at a pool, vs the benefit of adding this extra hour of therapy that may or may not be helping… Sometimes the choice IS the therapy.. sometimes, it isn't.  The point is, we can't be afraid to ask those questions.  We have to choose our family as a whole.  Choosing the whole family helps deter those sibling issues that often arise when "special needs" is a part of a family… Now, when I write all of this, I write from the perspective of a family with, real needs, but not, life and death needs… My child does NOT have congenital heart failure, my child isn't in and out of an ICU… My child's therapies are NOT life GIVING, they are life enriching, and so I realize some of you might read my thoughts about "deciding" and think, WOW is she crazy!  We all are in different places, May grace abound...

 I have even met parents who hide death.  YES, all together are hiding death.  A bird died on the street and ALL the children were out side investigating this death.  Was it a blue jay?  Was it a freak accident? Was it a raccoon?  Why did this poor birdy die?  WELL… This one mother actually had a totally meltdown, telling all the children the bird was napping, sent her child in, and didn't let that child out for 2 days.  Not until, she figured the chatter about death was over.  FEAR….

We all have fear.  The question is.  Will you let it control you?  Does it consume you.  Do your children get to walk to the park with out you hovering, at a reasonable age?   Do you let them ride their bikes around the block, or are you gripped with fear?

The Bible talks about Fear 365 times.. Seriously!  God does NOT want you to be THIS anxious.  Trust in the LORD… Be honest with yourself about your fears.  Are they rational, or irrational.  Are there steps you can take today to lesson your gripping fears?  If you aren't sure, if you need ideas, talk with a trusted friend, wise counsel.  One clear sign of fear is a hyper need to control… control people, things, well, anything and everything.  Remember we are never REALLY in control of anything, except hopefully ourselves.

Our job, as fearless Mommies, and Daddies, is to teach our children self control, and to practice it as best as we are able. To Trust God, and teach our kids to TRUST God… but not control them, and make them as afraid as we have been.. How can you live in the grace and freedom you so long for?  What are some practical things you can do today to start parenting in freedom?  

First and foremost, pray everyday!   Can you buy an indestructible whistle for each of your children to wear around their necks, JUST in case?  Whilst cell phones are one thing, good old fashioned walkie talkies are great for just going to a park or riding a bike, would that EASE your fears..  Reading courageous articles from Harvard, MIT, and other brilliant places has kept me encouraged to remain fearless in our pursuit of the kind of education we feel called to.  I read scripture to be encouraged…  I memorize courageous passages and recite them to myself and to my kiddo's !

 I will now, and am forever ON the hunt for fearless friends… and humble ones, who see fear in the mirror, and are willing, and eager to wipe it off like yesterdays mascara… How do I see your fear so well.. how do I know? as the old saying goes on playgrounds everywhere… "It takes one.. to KNOW one…"  because every now and then.. I wake up and see fear on MY face when I look in the mirror … and that's what I do… I wipe it off.. and spend the next day…. or week.. shattering the strong holds I have allowed it to make in my life…

Be bold, be fearless, walk with God… let's be part of the Mommy Revolution
(Daddy's you can join too)