Thursday, November 20, 2014

Truth & Love

each birthday
we add another candle to that cake
we sing that birthday tune
we celebrate
the year with all we've baked
with all the love 
and all the devotion
all the mistakes
and the regrets
how can we hope they will believe
that which we believe..
I have some thoughts on that
as I sit here
preparing my heart for the advent season
the birth of the Savior my King Jesus..
which is immediately followed 
by my two little boys birthday..
birthday season is nearly upon me
and I have some thoughts
on this parenting thing I have been doing


"Our marriages need to be full of Truth and love. 
We should be full of grace and love and forgiveness and faithfulness for one another,
 every single day.. 
for it is what Christ shows to us… 
He gives it freely, and so ought we; it is what we need to show one another..
It is in the seeing it day in day out, real, raw, honest, with out falseness, 
it is IN that reality, our childen will believe..
because they will have lived in truth…and in love" 
anika cornforth

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

stumbling after

Make a WISH!!
stuff of childhood
stuff of summers 
sweet grass
barefoot
lazy day summers
long long ago
when dandy puffs 
were a blessing
not a burden
to be killed with pesticides
or feared for the 
way they upset your childs asthma
oh my
how the seasons in my life have changed
the way
I view the world
it's come full circle for me
It's perhaps hanging with Buddy
and  Little Man
both asthmatics…
both
totally fun
wild & crazy little boys.
it's MAKE a wish
and BLOW!!!!

It's been a hard week..
not as hard as last week.
but hard.
and today, … ummm
today is Wednesday.
Wednesday
and I have slept 2 nights on the couch
so that 
My beloved could SLEEP at all.
I keep coughing.
My lymphs are achy and sore..
yes..it's a thing..
maybe you have never experienced it.. but it's a THING
and I hate it..
lymphs on my right side are all icky 
right side of neck
breast
arm pit
are all achy and sore
and so I had a heating pad
to get that lymphatic fluid moving..
go go go
and I woke up with 
that stupid brain pain
and a sore throat..
REALLY!
ok..
a sore throat???
is it sore from 
POST NASAL ick?
or is it strep?
OH!!!!
why can't they sell
rapid strep tests strips at CVS?
it's so dumb to go to see the dr…
what a PAIN!
it's so HARD to get IN to see the dr.
so ..
I don't know that I will..
Little Man has to go today for a physical for school..
MAYBE
she'll swab me when I am there?
I can make a wish…
I can HOPE…
my friend Barb is bringing some sort of soup for dinner
oh MAN I am so excited!
soup.
i drink bone broth 
every day
but 
SOUP?
yum
soup is so much more than bone broth..
it's like broth that got dressed up and fancy.
God has been so amazing through this process…
sure sure it sucks to get sick
RIGHT after the Gamma Knife Surgery
ok 
but still
HE is moving in peoples hearts!
He has people loving on us,
praying FOR us
making meals FOR us
sending notes of encouragement to us..
if we are in the midst of some front line
enemy battle

then we have some serious back up…
we are totally getting support from the troops
God
the Commander in Chief
of ALL commanders
is making sure WE have supplies!
and 
we are so humbled by it..
my friend asked me last night if I was angry..
I know sometimes people in this house get angry
and that is ok..
Moriarty is an EVIL enemy

and it's easy to be angry with what happens because of him.
it's even easy to be angry with GOD 
because HE is sovereign
and could,
take all this away, IF HE so desired to do so..
but 
am I angry..
no..
I am not.

I watched both my parents die
had two girlfriends die
watched my father in law die
my aunt & aunt in law die
death is ugly
death is hard
death is NOT plan A
LIFE is plan A
EVERY day I get LIFE
is a good day
EVERY day that the grass is beneath my feet
is a good day
am I angry..
no..
humbled
broken.
sometimes
weary
watery
weepy
thankful
grumpy
short
sleepy
antsy
prayerful
concerned
yes yes yes
but 
GOD has this..
Not me

I have to walk through it..
through the grass
through the weeds
through the thorns
through the hills and valleys
sore throat and all…
sleepless nights and all…
but I have LIFE
I still HAVE it
so what's to complain
why be angry

When I gave my life to Jesus Christ
at the age of 27
He said 
come follow me..
he went to some pretty scary places..
He said
pick up your cross
and NOTHING is easy about picking up a cross
HE said 
be Holy
and there is NOTHING simple about being made holy

the whole progressive sanctification process is just
plain painful, soul stretching, heart tearing
real, raw, wretched
and restorative..
I am not IN any of these places..
I am still
being made 
still and ever
following
and 
forever picking up, dropping, and picking up again
that cross
always falling to my knees always
always 
me ..
cold wet in the mud
me..
broken
bloody
hurting
me.
too raw…
not polished
not cool
not together
me..
kneeling at the cross
laying all of me down
all of my everything 
down
because 
there is no place else to put it
make a wish
….
that I never stop following
that I get to where He's taking me
that I hold fast to this cross I try SO hard to carry
that I always, always find my way back to HIS cross,
like North on my compass…

and that I am forever pliable to HIS hands
and HE molds me and makes me in HIS image
as He restores me
because on THIS side of things..
my throat is sore
my cough keeps me up all night
sleeping on the couch semi upright
leaves my achy all over
my head aches
and I need to put a smile on my face for the people
who wake up very soon..

My dishwasher broke 2 years ago
2 FREAKING years ago..
and it's getting old 
but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
and the stove doesn't work great
and so much of my life is in storage because the house 
sold
and then didn't
so I can't find things
that I actually NEED.
Like blenders
and board games
and mixers
oh my
and that is a whole crazy thing in and of itself
on THIS side of heaven..

I have to hold my hands up and open 
and say 
YOU have it Lord
YOU will see me through
YOU have given SO MUCH
forgive me
for whining
for being a big fat baby

because not everyone has a comfy couch to sleep on
and a warm home to live in
and I have RUNNING water
IN my home
and that isn't so …
in all the wide world..
the Lord has blessed me SO MUCH
so 
I give thanks and Praise to our FATHER
ever ungracefully stumbling
after
the KING
because this isn't just
some sucky weeks in my life
in the lives of my family
it's a grand adventure
a right royal trial
and 
we must meet it 
boldly
and not back down.





Monday, November 17, 2014

AIP…. Auto Immune Paleo Diet

Because it's just SO fun
being so complicated?
no…
not at all.
It's called 
AIP
it's a bit of a spin off of the 
Paleo diet
it's Auto Immune Paleo Diet.
My doctor recommended it over doing the GAPS diet.
some of you are nodding your head…
in understanding and agreement...
some of you are throwing food at the computer
in total disbelief and shock..
because GAPS is what saved you…
and to others of you..
I may as well be speaking Greek.
Ah yes..
the other side of Tante Nika…
The side I don't LOVE to write… about…
The technical
medical
side of me…
I'll be totally honest here..
I am not as smart as I once was..
and there are random facts and bits of data
that are just IN me
and I don't know where they came from
but they are right and true
and always impress my doctors..
I KNOW they are things 
Moriarty just..
ate for lunch or something …
so 
there is this whole world 
of….
nutrition
that has NOTHING to do with that 
PYRAMID thing you were taught in school…
like NOTHING…
it's all about
non gmo
organic
sustainably grown
locally grown
raw
free range
grass fed
whole food
honest food
coconut oil
bone broth
fermented foods
butter
seed saving
food coops
farmers markets
aquaponics
herbs
kombucha
kefir
kimchi
yogurt
krauts
kale
protein
healthy fats
probiotics
pre biotics
omega 3
vitamin D
healing
and hope…
it's about the gut brain connection
and 
breaking free of medications
but healing our bodies 
with foods..
yah..
I probably sound like …
a hippie chick..
some granola gal…
but it's a movement
and it's real..
it's full of regular moms and dads
with kids who are sick
and we are part of it..
this trying to heal movement
and our doctors are part of it
and it's exciting
because we've experienced
SO MUCH healing already from it..
but.
enter brain tumor
and set backs..
I confess..
when my mom was sick that last year…
I really was sick
and I really wasn't taking the best care.
my baby was sick
REALLY sick
and my dad was sick
but busy pretending he wasn't
and my mom..
she was dying..
and there was just 
SO MUCH to do
and then she died
and there was NO time to grieve
there was just
even MORE to do
and then My dad got sicker
and sicker
and it was Cancer
and the Little Man 
was sicker
always he was so so ill..
and really 
I didn't take care of me..
and now..
it's time..
like a big fat horrible debt that wants to be paid.
that really IS how it works…
our body's NEED to be cared for..
and when we get all caught up in the caring for others
when we fail to do that caring for SELF
things go amiss..
THAT is why they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself 
FIRST
because without it on..
you really can't be a help to anyone else..
and now..
I am not much of a help to anyone else…
I just hang out with Jesus on the couch…
me and Jesus..
me and Buddy and Math books
it's really not as helpful as I normally could be.
I know you will all tell me how amazing I am..
I know that…
because you do..
you tell me that…
but 
it's not really so..
I really suck all the time..
anything cool you see..
That is JESUS in me..
ALL Jesus
ALL the time..
if you see anything sucky …
that is me
ALL Tante nika
ALL the time…
so..
WE are setting about to CHANGE things…
SETTING about 
to put OFF bad habits
bad habits put on for good reasons
are still bad habits..
and setting about to put on GOOD habits..

Doctor says we need to REBOOT my body's system..
my endocrine is screwed up
my gut is screwed up
my glucose is screwed up
my thyroid is screwed up
my hormones are screwed up
my cholesterol is screwed up
pre-cancer cells
pre-diabetic levels
pre this pre that
and a freaking brain tumor to boot..
means
ok…
sure…
whatever..
so 
here goes..
AIP
Auto
Immune
Paleo
DIET
on top of..
some hormones
and supplements…for cholesterol
and for all those areas..
and diet to heal
I have agreed to everything..
and asked for time to learn it..
I don't want to just jump in and drown..
I want to learn it..
understand the why's 
the hows 
the behind the scenes..
the recipes…
and then..
start…
Dr. agreed to this..
but he was stern..and…
drum roll..
excited.
He said we should see a near turn around in the next 3 months
THREE MONTHS…
with my delay..
that would still be by March..
BY MARCH?
he said to call if I get weak from drastic weight loss..
????
shut the front door…
REALLY?
no one ever said that before..
in all the years of treatment..
they NEVER try to offer weight loss..
in fact
i have only ever gained weight with the other doctors..
they never offered healing
they never even offered hope to 
MANAGE my health
they never
offer
hOPe
so..
all that to say
as scary as this 
new diet is..
I am
really
really 
excited
to 
maybe
JUST
maybe
HEAL
really 
really 
HEAL
because I can not
remember
except for that brief time in France..
I can't remember a time in my adult life when I was not
in pain
not sick
not struggling..
I am so ..
hopeful
and thankful
to each of you for joining me
in prayer
because i really like LIFE
and am SO excited to 
just LIVE IT again
yay me!
sitting here 
with my oxygen mask on
hanging out
with 
JESUS


Saturday, November 15, 2014

Saturday memory wanderings

Saturday Mornings..
They've always been my favorite…
Every since I was a very little girl..
Saturday Mornings often meant 
BACON
and egg 
breakfasts

being cooked by my father
as he sang joyfully in the Kitchen..
I can't express the happy memory that 
THAT is for me
and HOW deeply 
that I miss him..
but still I LOVE Saturday mornings
This Saturday morning 
I woke with a migraine
I KNOW this will NOT always be… 
I know the days of waking this way are on their way out
that ..
Moriarty is a BRAT.. 
an evil Villian
and that I live in the best fairy tale story ever…
I know who the VICTOR IS

I love the characters that live in my story… 
I love Princess…
and CS and Buddy and darling Little man… 
 LOVE Knight in Shining Armor (aka)
Machine Man :) 
you..
each of you
are becoming part of the story..
just by reading
by praying..
I LOVE my KING…
THE KING OF KINGS
and LORD of Lords
Worthy is the
 KING
HOLY HOLY HOLY 
is the King
and if this story 
my story
needed a villian.. 
if it really 
freaking NEEDED a 

"Moriarty"
to be all whole and complete…
thrilling and exciting
than I KNOW who defeats him… 
and I will 
HOLD FAST
to the ONE
who defeats
who restores
who heals
who promises eternal salvation
even if it takes months.. 
and months for Moriarty to die
months to even KNOW… 
i will be BRAVE…
This tale may get boring for you…
it will go over hill and dale
mountain and moor
fair winds and foul
I will wander ever ever after…
it may take me places 
off 
the beaten path
This adventure
it's not mine to weave
just to tell..
but I vow
to try to be
BRAVE
because 
I KNOW THE ONE 
who came to set me free
came to heal
who offers hope
finds the LOST
I know Jesus Christ
like I know nothing else
and
that will be what I hold to…
fast
like to memories 
of breakfast being made
by a loving father 
singing sweetly
on Saturday Mornings..
awakening 
EVERY 
sense in the
mind..
I will HOLD
and BE brave

Friday, November 14, 2014

fields

there is something so beautiful 
at 
Blessings Farm
when the morning light hasn't yet
hit the front of my field
but has hit the neighbors..
It looks rather magical…
because MY field
looks captured
enslaved by frost;
beholden,
by a certain chill
it's shocking really
desperate
striking
and beautiful.
The pain in my brain…
it holds me
It holds me tight
but there is this promise
of it's release
I can see it in the fields beyond
and today
today at two of my medication intervals
I needed 1/2 dose of pain meds

autumn is still here
and winter is still coming
coming with it's cold
with its chill
and ice
but there was warmth in my bones today
briefly
life in my brain today
briefly
and it offered hope
and it was thrilling
because I love life.
and I have NO desire to lay down with winter.
but rather
to gather up the wood
and the tea
and the roots…
to hang the meat to dry,
and stack some books
and hunker down
for a winter 
of healing
a winter of restoration 
Overcoming Moriarty
won't be about
just popping some pills
but about ME
taking back 
this 
GIFT
called 
LIFE

Thursday, November 13, 2014

playing the cards

i know..
that I am a Slllllllooooooooooowwwwww healer.
I expect  that..
i am always THRILLED
when, i heal at all..
Living with Lyme for nearly 22 years..
 nearly dying from it.. 
driving to New York City in a snow storm to meet that nice little doctor from China… 
well..
it changed me.
but sometimes… 
I am like a deer caught in the headlights when I see my husband come home sick.. 
and i FEEL his annoyance at MY still being sick…
see.. MY husband is awesome..
he isn't an adulterer
he comes home EVERY day…
to me.
he isn't abusive…
he LOVES me.. 
he's kind and everything.
we don't fight all the time..
HE is my best friend..
we've been married 20 years…
but… 
he's been married to ME for 20 years
.. and sometimes.. 
I feel like he's been.. 
stuck with this sick chick…
like he got a lemon when he walked down that isle…
yes.. that vow we said included 
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
in SICKNESS or in HEALTH
it's just… 
hard.. 
when you.. 
YOU are the one.. 
sick .. 
SO often.. 
and YOU can't live up to expectations… 

that he may or may not have… 
about your healing.. 
HE is awesome..
I suck…
blah blah blah.. 
big FAT whine fest …
seriously… 
what is in these meds???
all that to say.. 
chronic illness GROWS you…
stretches you..
we had a BLAH 
and then we had a tender talk…
and now I just feel fragile…

and broken..
and thankful..
It's so important we cherish one another in our families…
that we try to be tender with one another
that we LOVE…one another..
THROUGH illness..
through trials..
because the truth is.. they come..
those darts from the enemy..
the bridges washed out,
the blah blah blah's 
the colds, the flu's
the ugly moments..
and the hurtful words..
grace, forgiveness, and LOVE 
must be what we deal …
Patience… 
how can I say this?
because I am SO grace filled?
so forgiving?
so loving?
so patient?
oh my…
do NOT think quite so highly of little ol' me
no!
I know this 
 because I so need it SO MUCH!
and 
when one is sick.
and BROKEN..
for as LONG or
as frequently
as I have been,
one knows what one needs…
and so..
when my man came home last night..
and I didn't give him what 
HE needed..
those cards…
patience, 
grace, forgiveness, love…
well
it was a painful…
slap in MY face..
because
 I should KNOW better..
I should BE a better friend
a better wife..
and I hope to do better today…
I hope to play better the cards
I HAVE BEEN DEALT

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

SNAP

Preschool project brought gluten into my home..
which was ingested this morning by 
.. Little Man…
we induced vomiting & necessary extra things….
but there is NO guarantee what we did is sufficient..

HIS grace IS..

for what EVER is coming..
please pray for our Little Man
Gluten is about the WORST thing in the world for him..
like Buddy getting peanuts
but an EPI doesn't help…
please pray that our efforts were enough
and
that IF they weren't
God's amazing grace would see us through
YET another storm

Last time there was..
accidental gluten ingestion..
little man was violently ill 
with neuro and psych symptoms for 
about 30 days
and then his little gut was wrecked
so he underwent
about 60 days of detox repair for infection etc
(yes totally DR supervised.. a REAL MD and all!)
it was 3 months people
3 months of hell
for him
for us
it was painful.
all around
and we aren't exactly OVER the experience here
and none of us want to 
REPEAT it
ever.
no.
not EVER.
The New York Times had this
pretty good article on the topic of
gluten and neuro/psych issues
for any of you interested in learning about it..
I know that the whole 
"gluten free" movement has many
rolling their eyes…
lots of people think it's a fad…
but in my house..
it's as scary as a bee sting on Buddy …
whose anaphylactic
we don't mess with bees
or peanuts
or gluten around here…

 so far.. no call from school..
 thank you all for prayers !!! 
KEEP THEM COMING
 as you are led through out the day!
  Lord willing we got it OUT of hm… 
Either way.. Jesus HAS this.. 
It's just SO hard.. because in EVERY real sense of the word,
"nothing"..
there IS nothing..
 nothing that I can do..
I can ONLY pray.. 
ONLY hope.. 
ONLY trust.. 
ONLY wait on our King… 
And IF he wants our family to go through this dark and horrible valley again.. 
than I KNOW HE will see us through it.. 
with out me trying to do this, or that to fix, or fuss.. 
HE really REALLY has us.. in the palm of HIS hands.. a
nd I KNOW that is supposed to "FEEL" so comforting.. 
but it scares the CRAP out of me ! 
at the same time as bringing me comfort.. 
just being real… j
just.. saying… 
it's like free falling into a bottomless pit.. 

and just … trusting the bungee cord AIN'T gonna snap!