Wednesday, November 19, 2014

stumbling after

Make a WISH!!
stuff of childhood
stuff of summers 
sweet grass
barefoot
lazy day summers
long long ago
when dandy puffs 
were a blessing
not a burden
to be killed with pesticides
or feared for the 
way they upset your childs asthma
oh my
how the seasons in my life have changed
the way
I view the world
it's come full circle for me
It's perhaps hanging with Buddy
and  Little Man
both asthmatics…
both
totally fun
wild & crazy little boys.
it's MAKE a wish
and BLOW!!!!

It's been a hard week..
not as hard as last week.
but hard.
and today, … ummm
today is Wednesday.
Wednesday
and I have slept 2 nights on the couch
so that 
My beloved could SLEEP at all.
I keep coughing.
My lymphs are achy and sore..
yes..it's a thing..
maybe you have never experienced it.. but it's a THING
and I hate it..
lymphs on my right side are all icky 
right side of neck
breast
arm pit
are all achy and sore
and so I had a heating pad
to get that lymphatic fluid moving..
go go go
and I woke up with 
that stupid brain pain
and a sore throat..
REALLY!
ok..
a sore throat???
is it sore from 
POST NASAL ick?
or is it strep?
OH!!!!
why can't they sell
rapid strep tests strips at CVS?
it's so dumb to go to see the dr…
what a PAIN!
it's so HARD to get IN to see the dr.
so ..
I don't know that I will..
Little Man has to go today for a physical for school..
MAYBE
she'll swab me when I am there?
I can make a wish…
I can HOPE…
my friend Barb is bringing some sort of soup for dinner
oh MAN I am so excited!
soup.
i drink bone broth 
every day
but 
SOUP?
yum
soup is so much more than bone broth..
it's like broth that got dressed up and fancy.
God has been so amazing through this process…
sure sure it sucks to get sick
RIGHT after the Gamma Knife Surgery
ok 
but still
HE is moving in peoples hearts!
He has people loving on us,
praying FOR us
making meals FOR us
sending notes of encouragement to us..
if we are in the midst of some front line
enemy battle

then we have some serious back up…
we are totally getting support from the troops
God
the Commander in Chief
of ALL commanders
is making sure WE have supplies!
and 
we are so humbled by it..
my friend asked me last night if I was angry..
I know sometimes people in this house get angry
and that is ok..
Moriarty is an EVIL enemy

and it's easy to be angry with what happens because of him.
it's even easy to be angry with GOD 
because HE is sovereign
and could,
take all this away, IF HE so desired to do so..
but 
am I angry..
no..
I am not.

I watched both my parents die
had two girlfriends die
watched my father in law die
my aunt & aunt in law die
death is ugly
death is hard
death is NOT plan A
LIFE is plan A
EVERY day I get LIFE
is a good day
EVERY day that the grass is beneath my feet
is a good day
am I angry..
no..
humbled
broken.
sometimes
weary
watery
weepy
thankful
grumpy
short
sleepy
antsy
prayerful
concerned
yes yes yes
but 
GOD has this..
Not me

I have to walk through it..
through the grass
through the weeds
through the thorns
through the hills and valleys
sore throat and all…
sleepless nights and all…
but I have LIFE
I still HAVE it
so what's to complain
why be angry

When I gave my life to Jesus Christ
at the age of 27
He said 
come follow me..
he went to some pretty scary places..
He said
pick up your cross
and NOTHING is easy about picking up a cross
HE said 
be Holy
and there is NOTHING simple about being made holy

the whole progressive sanctification process is just
plain painful, soul stretching, heart tearing
real, raw, wretched
and restorative..
I am not IN any of these places..
I am still
being made 
still and ever
following
and 
forever picking up, dropping, and picking up again
that cross
always falling to my knees always
always 
me ..
cold wet in the mud
me..
broken
bloody
hurting
me.
too raw…
not polished
not cool
not together
me..
kneeling at the cross
laying all of me down
all of my everything 
down
because 
there is no place else to put it
make a wish
….
that I never stop following
that I get to where He's taking me
that I hold fast to this cross I try SO hard to carry
that I always, always find my way back to HIS cross,
like North on my compass…

and that I am forever pliable to HIS hands
and HE molds me and makes me in HIS image
as He restores me
because on THIS side of things..
my throat is sore
my cough keeps me up all night
sleeping on the couch semi upright
leaves my achy all over
my head aches
and I need to put a smile on my face for the people
who wake up very soon..

My dishwasher broke 2 years ago
2 FREAKING years ago..
and it's getting old 
but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
and the stove doesn't work great
and so much of my life is in storage because the house 
sold
and then didn't
so I can't find things
that I actually NEED.
Like blenders
and board games
and mixers
oh my
and that is a whole crazy thing in and of itself
on THIS side of heaven..

I have to hold my hands up and open 
and say 
YOU have it Lord
YOU will see me through
YOU have given SO MUCH
forgive me
for whining
for being a big fat baby

because not everyone has a comfy couch to sleep on
and a warm home to live in
and I have RUNNING water
IN my home
and that isn't so …
in all the wide world..
the Lord has blessed me SO MUCH
so 
I give thanks and Praise to our FATHER
ever ungracefully stumbling
after
the KING
because this isn't just
some sucky weeks in my life
in the lives of my family
it's a grand adventure
a right royal trial
and 
we must meet it 
boldly
and not back down.





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