playing the cards

i know..
that I am a Slllllllooooooooooowwwwww healer.

I expect  that..
i am always THRILLED
when, i heal at all..

Living with Lyme for nearly 22 years..

 nearly dying from it.. 

driving to New York City in a snow storm to meet that nice little doctor from China… 

well..

it changed me.

but sometimes… 

I am like a deer caught in the headlights when I see my husband come home sick.. 

and i FEEL his annoyance at MY still being sick…

see.. MY husband is awesome..

he isn't an adulterer

he comes home EVERY day…

to me.

he isn't abusive…

he LOVES me.. 

he's kind and everything.

we don't fight all the time..

HE is my best friend..

we've been married 20 years…

but… 

he's been married to ME for 20 years

.. and sometimes.. 

I feel like he's been.. 

stuck with this sick chick…

like he got a lemon when he walked down that isle…

yes.. that vow we said included 

FOR BETTER OR WORSE

in SICKNESS or in HEALTH

it's just… 

hard.. 

when you.. 

YOU are the one.. 

sick .. 

SO often.. 

and YOU can't live up to expectations… 

that he may or may not have… 

about your healing.. 

HE is awesome..

I suck…

blah blah blah.. 

big FAT whine fest …

seriously… 

what is in these meds???

all that to say.. 

chronic illness GROWS you…

stretches you..

we had a BLAH 

and then we had a tender talk…

and now I just feel fragile…

and broken..

and thankful..

It's so important we cherish one another in our families…

that we try to be tender with one another

that we LOVE…one another..

THROUGH illness..

through trials..

because the truth is.. they come..

those darts from the enemy..

the bridges washed out,

the blah blah blah's 

the colds, the flu's

the ugly moments..

and the hurtful words..

grace, forgiveness, and LOVE 

must be what we deal …

Patience… 

how can I say this?

because I am SO grace filled?

so forgiving?

so loving?

so patient?

oh my…

do NOT think quite so highly of little ol' me

no!

I know this 

 because I so need it SO MUCH!

and 

when one is sick.

and BROKEN..

for as LONG or

as frequently

as I have been,

one knows what one needs…

and so..

when my man came home last night..

and I didn't give him what 

HE needed..
those cards…
patience, 
grace, forgiveness, love…
well

it was a painful…

slap in MY face..

because
 I should KNOW better..

I should BE a better friend

a better wife..

and I hope to do better today…
I hope to play better the cards
I HAVE BEEN DEALT