elusive sleep & trusting Jesus

I have struggled with insomnia for SO long.. 

it's gotten so much worse in recent months.

Moriarty,

the hashimotos,

all of it is just wrecking my sleep…

I was ALWAYS told that it was because I was anxious,

and that all I needed  was only to relax…

that I needed to do this,  or to do that;

or that I needed to cast my care on the Lord;

or that, I was perhaps.. 

MAYBE even in sin..
for being so 

stressed you see
because in some Christian circles
being stressed…
having stress is a sin it would seem
… and worrying..
I must be worrying!

but .. though I 

"feel anxious" feelings

I am not .. anxious about anything..

not worrying about anything..

sure I think about stuff..

my mind doesn't go blank…

but I don't fret or worry.. 

I clean..

or go to Pinterest 

and research sites about cleaning

or Painting

or Paleo

or Sensory needs

oh MY

or I..

read..

watch movies..

because

I can't SLEEP…

beautiful 

wonderful

dream filled

rest filled

refreshing 

SLEEP...

it eludes me.

it's awful

because little people are about to wake…and MY day begins

and my chance for sleep won't come again for …..

you follow my thinking .. right?

so.

I have FELT condemned..

I have self condemned..

and have pondered at length

and prayed at length over my sin..

Scripture tells me

it was fabulous to have my doctor say.

that my hormone levels the way they were he's shocked I ever sleep..

that we needed to change my diet, and add certain supplements to my Hashimoto's regimen

 to help me with the anxiety.. because my body is producing stuff 

(see how well I remember the technical stuff… love my post gamma brain.. don't you? :)  !)  

that is making me feel anxious.. he said it's not me.. that I am fine, but that my body isn't.. 

Getting all the supplies before our trip.. made the trip over thanksgiving.. great.. I slept..

wow…

I slept..

then we came back..

and CS had surgery

and there was this.. and that.. and meals to make and laundry and him to care for and it was a lot..

 and supplies ran low..

and I haven't slept well.. at. all. in a week… 

I am  

so tired.

and sleep eludes me..

and my whole body starts shaking.. 

and I feel anxious but i am NOT anxious over anything..

and the head is more achy .. 

is it…

the darkness of the farmhouse

the clean fresh water at the farmhouse

the fact that I had NO cow dairy at the farmhouse

we had the supplies

I had the support…

I had the freedom to just.. nap if need be?

could it BE

the bright lights of burbia? the city home is so…lit up

is it the water?

is it the dairy that I had that is still in me?

is it the lack of supplies from earlier in the week?

is it that this week was just too much.. to hard.. 

was the stress of the new schedule, and CS's surgery, 

his needing care and not being a man to count on.. was it just too much…

I am .. so so tired..

what ever it is..

I have made more bone broth

I have more fat bombs in the freezer

more kale chips in a bag .. with more that can be made..

and hopefully a lighter week lined up..

hopefully..

all that.. 

and I will continue to cast all my care on the Lord

all I can do

is my best

I have to try to live in a place of grace

I have to try to give my SELF that oxygen

but ya know what? 

that is hard

praying for sleep

trusting Jesus

and Not 

my fallible body