Sunday, December 21, 2014

hold fast.. battles are rough stuff

There is a side to Moriarty
that I don't LIKE to talk about…
A dark side
that you 
hopefully understood
just by knowing his NAME…
He is truly wicked..
He doesn't JUST hurt with pain..
He messes with me..
and people..
Many people are really REALLY intimidated by
his very presence..
In fact, sometimes .. 
people say things.
They say things they NORMALLY would never say..
They say things, that they would be SHOCKED to hear another say..
They say out loud, things they themselves can NOT believe they just said..
it's like,
foot IN the mouth syndrome…
and 
those things they say, 
are the things
that Moriarty uses..
Things that he loves to use,
 to injure the soul
to pierce the heart.
It's ALMOST like..
he hires people
without their knowing it
People say these words .. 
they say ALL these words, that have ALL this meaning...
and Moriarty just takes the words and he twists them…. 
leaving me with horrible things to think on…

let's see if you can IMAGINE what he might do with these..

Me: "Just can't determine that yet.. we are taking things one day at a time.  With the brain tumor we just have to trust and wait on God.. there isn't a whole lot of planning ahead"

Person #1 "Oh… you are soooo..just loving this brain tumor thing.. aren't you?"

digest that.

Me: 'Every day with the grass BENEATH my feet is a good one.  I am so thankful"

Person #2 "Wouldn't it be even better when the grass is above.  Then you'll be with Jesus"

digest that.

Me: "I think.. I am sorting out how to tell… (fill in the blank) it's just hard.. you know?  I want to speak it the right way…
Person # 3 " yeah.. MY advise.. don't tell anyone.. I mean. why does anyone NEED to know?  What do you need to worry them all over this for?  If it's not cancer.. just keep your tumor to yourself. "

and that…

Me "  Buddy is sad.. this is hard for him.. he's lost 3 people he loves very much, and now his Mama has a brain tumor.. I am just a little concerned for him is all.. maybe you could pray with me for him?

Person #4 "Yeah.. I think you are freaking your kid out.. I don't know why he even KNOWS about it.. and I think YOU are the one freaked out.. stop stressing your kid out.. You are imagining it.. leave him be.  I think you are the problem in his life."

yeah… the list.. goes on and on…

so imagine
what he does with that?
in my brain?
how twisted it gets..
when things get crazy 
and rushed
and my head is pounding
and 
suddenly …
I make everything worse..
am a bad mother…
a burden of a wife..
a horrible person
would be better off dead..
should WANT to die…
should SHUT up..
keep it to myself
and 
just disappear…
yeah..
somehow..
that doesn't sound like JESUS ..
at ALL
it IS a battle friends
Its dirty..
and scary
and the enemy doesn't play fair..
he's wicked.
he gets inside other peoples heads
and then uses the words they say…
the very foolishly spoken..
 the stumbling, stupid, thoughtless, oops words
that they can't stick BACK into their mouths words
and he
makes them so ugly..
so much uglier...
but I know.. 
where to run..
its the running to get there..
that is hard
it's the getting to that tower…
to that safe place..
the calling on the Name above ALL names..
JESUS
that I have to remember to do..
the doing it that can BE a challenge…
it sounds to easy..
crying out to HIM..
over the pain
over the hurt
over the self condemnation
over the words..
so many words..
words like fiery arrows..
flaming and hurtful..
and I know.. who my real enemy is..
yes.. I know
and because it is a battle..
I need to cling to the WORD of God
and it's teachings and instructions
Alas, I am still..
a thin skinned girl
with a tumor in her brain..
and putting on my armor is just
something I struggle with.
Its heavy
and uncomfortable
It is hard for me.
I am weak, and weary.
I WISH I was thick skinned..
but I am not..
My armor is from God.
It's equipment for the battle.
It is good,
and it is STRONG
and HE defends me
but makes sure there is
 this armor for me anyways..
He assures me everything will be good;
that I have NOTHING to be anxious about,
and...this I believe.
It's just that unless you learn how powerful light is..
one great thing about light..
is that it IS light and not heavy and burdensome..
There is much to learn about light...
It is hard to understand how all enveloping darkness can be..
and unless you have been in real true darkness, you don't really…
value Light.
you just don't..
we live in a culture that is very lit up. 
for the most part..
in comparison to a century ago.


the Light HAS to be so much stronger..
because darkness is a pretty big deal
The light..
it can pierce,
it can heal, 
or it can burn. 
Light is amazing,
it can
illuminate
or add
warmth..
it can do SO much…
and it HAS to do so much…
Light and darkness DO things..
Their work is active..
not passive
they seem to me..
to be more than forces..
but entities
beings of some kind.
Something beyond my mortal understanding.
In this battle
In this dark place in my mind
It is Jesus I run to..
because
He straightens out those thoughts
puts right those hurt feelings
mends my aching heart
and reminds Moriarty who 
WINS in the End..
because..
I read the book..
that Bible on my nightstand.
I have read it many times,
cover to cover,
inside and out,
and I KNOW how the story ends
I know the players
I know how it starts
I totally GET what it's about
and 
I know my Redeemer
how can you help me overcome Moriarty?
how can you help your loved ones overcome THIER demons?
prayer.
Prayer is the best and first resort.
Not the last.
it's Triage
not the last ditch effort..
it's our BEST hope
because it's a real honest conversation
with the One who created all that is
the One who created the one we love
about our mutual love..
in Jesus' name.
it's the first best thing you can do.
next.
if your foot accidentally slips right into your mouth..
just pop it out, and tell them..
ask for grace and forgiveness..
tell your loved one how much they matter to you..
and that this is freaking you out…it's OK to say that.
if your loved one seems snappy or off..
don't instantly take offense..
try again.
they may be in the midst of a battle,
or in pain, grace should abound in your relationships.
sprinkle it on lie you would sprinkles on a child's birthday cake,
with extreme generosity.
Be excessive with your grace sprinkles..
Jesus was with us.
At our house, we call it  
"Jesus Sprinkles"
When everything has gone to "hell" and chaos seems to prevail..
When the people are loud
and faces are wet with tears, and feelings are hurt
and all seems lost for a moment
someone…
will shout out
"JESUS Sprinkles"
and we all sort of stop..
and we remember we need to 
give THAT kind of grace
because we were given that grace...
Having an illness..
a disease,
a tumor
a cancer
an invisible illness
a mental illness
any disablility
a child with "issues"
what EVER ..
it's just.. hard stuff…
and stumbling… messing up.. falling ..
tripping down the stairs with
our skirt up over our head
it's what we do when life is HARD..
and we need our loved ones to hold our hands,
to wait for the moment the belly laugh comes..
because..
it will..
if there is grace
and we are COVERED in prayer.
that belly laugh, that smile will come. 
so friends, 
thank you all..
Thank you 
because YOU are praying for me
and I can feel it when I am my battles…
as I call upon the Lord, who IS my 
STRONG TOWER
and remind myself of the Promises of God
and recall the Scriptures
and His steadfast faithfulness..
His goodness
and His unfailing LOVE for me
I feel.. in my very soul..
you.. praying for me..
and for my family.
and I am ever so thankful.
because..
they are so beautiful to me
I love each of them
beyond measure.
As you fight your fights…
BE bold..
tell your friends and family.
so they can pray for you and with you.
don't go at this alone.
Trust that their words are not always what they seem.
that the enemy has a way of twisting things..
He did it in the garden.. He's shown his hand..
Know.. beyond a doubt that God IS faithful 
and He wins in the end..
if not..READ that Bible!
and hold fast..
because 
YOU are LOVED















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