Truth & Love

each birthday

we add another candle to that cake

we sing that birthday tune

we celebrate

the year with all we've baked

with all the love 

and all the devotion

all the mistakes

and the regrets

how can we hope they will believe

that which we believe..

I have some thoughts on that

as I sit here

preparing my heart for the advent season

the birth of the Savior my King Jesus..

which is immediately followed 

by my two little boys birthday..

birthday season is nearly upon me

and I have some thoughts

on this parenting thing I have been doing

"Our marriages need to be full of Truth and love. 

We should be full of grace and love and forgiveness and faithfulness for one another,

 every single day.. 

for it is what Christ shows to us… 

He gives it freely, and so ought we; it is what we need to show one another..

It is in the seeing it day in day out, real, raw, honest, with out falseness, 

it is IN that reality, our childen will believe..

because they will have lived in truth…and in love" 

anika cornforth

stumbling after

Make a WISH!!

stuff of childhood

stuff of summers 

sweet grass

barefoot

lazy day summers

long long ago

when dandy puffs 

were a blessing

not a burden

to be killed with pesticides

or feared for the 

way they upset your childs asthma

oh my

how the seasons in my life have changed

the way

I view the world

it's come full circle for me

It's perhaps hanging with Buddy

and  Little Man

both asthmatics…

both

totally fun

wild & crazy little boys.

it's MAKE a wish

and BLOW!!!!

It's been a hard week..

not as hard as last week.

but hard.

and today, … ummm

today is Wednesday.

Wednesday

and I have slept 2 nights on the couch

so that 

My beloved could SLEEP at all.

I keep coughing.

My lymphs are achy and sore..

yes..it's a thing..

maybe you have never experienced it.. but it's a THING

and I hate it..

lymphs on my right side are all icky 

right side of neck

breast

arm pit

are all achy and sore

and so I had a heating pad

to get that lymphatic fluid moving..

go go go

and I woke up with 

that stupid brain pain

and a sore throat..

REALLY!

ok..

a sore throat???

is it sore from 

POST NASAL ick?

or is it strep?

OH!!!!

why can't they sell

rapid strep tests strips at CVS?

it's so dumb to go to see the dr…

what a PAIN!

it's so HARD to get IN to see the dr.

so ..

I don't know that I will..

Little Man has to go today for a physical for school..

MAYBE

she'll swab me when I am there?

I can make a wish…

I can HOPE…

my friend Barb is bringing some sort of soup for dinner

oh MAN I am so excited!

soup.

i drink bone broth 

every day

but 

SOUP?

yum

soup is so much more than bone broth..

it's like broth that got dressed up and fancy.

God has been so amazing through this process…

sure sure it sucks to get sick

RIGHT after the Gamma Knife Surgery

ok 

but still

HE is moving in peoples hearts!

He has people loving on us,

praying FOR us

making meals FOR us

sending notes of encouragement to us..

if we are in the midst of some front line

enemy battle

then we have some serious back up…

we are totally getting support from the troops

God

the Commander in Chief

of ALL commanders

is making sure WE have supplies!

and 

we are so humbled by it..

my friend asked me last night if I was angry..

I know sometimes people in this house get angry

and that is ok..

Moriarty is an EVIL enemy

and it's easy to be angry with what happens because of him.

it's even easy to be angry with GOD 

because HE is sovereign

and could,

take all this away, IF HE so desired to do so..

but 

am I angry..

no..

I am not.

I watched both my parents die

had two girlfriends die

watched my father in law die

my aunt & aunt in law die

death is ugly

death is hard

death is NOT plan A

LIFE is plan A

EVERY day I get LIFE

is a good day

EVERY day that the grass is beneath my feet

is a good day

am I angry..

no..

humbled

broken.

sometimes

weary

watery

weepy

thankful

grumpy

short

sleepy

antsy

prayerful

concerned

yes yes yes

but 

GOD has this..

Not me

I have to walk through it..

through the grass

through the weeds

through the thorns

through the hills and valleys

sore throat and all…

sleepless nights and all…

but I have LIFE

I still HAVE it

so what's to complain

why be angry

When I gave my life to Jesus Christ

at the age of 27

He said 

come follow me..

he went to some pretty scary places..

He said

pick up your cross

and NOTHING is easy about picking up a cross

HE said 

be Holy

and there is NOTHING simple about being made holy

the whole progressive sanctification process is just

plain painful, soul stretching, heart tearing

real, raw, wretched

and restorative..

I am not IN any of these places..

I am still

being made 

still and ever

following

and 

forever picking up, dropping, and picking up again

that cross

always falling to my knees always

always 

me ..

cold wet in the mud

me..

broken

bloody

hurting

me.

too raw…

not polished

not cool

not together

me..

kneeling at the cross

laying all of me down

all of my everything 

down

because 

there is no place else to put it

make a wish

….

that I never stop following

that I get to where He's taking me

that I hold fast to this cross I try SO hard to carry

that I always, always find my way back to HIS cross,

like North on my compass…

and that I am forever pliable to HIS hands

and HE molds me and makes me in HIS image

as He restores me

because on THIS side of things..

my throat is sore

my cough keeps me up all night

sleeping on the couch semi upright

leaves my achy all over

my head aches

and I need to put a smile on my face for the people

who wake up very soon..

My dishwasher broke 2 years ago

2 FREAKING years ago..

and it's getting old 

but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

and the stove doesn't work great

and so much of my life is in storage because the house 

sold

and then didn't

so I can't find things

that I actually NEED.

Like blenders

and board games

and mixers

oh my

and that is a whole crazy thing in and of itself

on THIS side of heaven..

I have to hold my hands up and open 

and say 

YOU have it Lord

YOU will see me through

YOU have given SO MUCH

forgive me

for whining

for being a big fat baby

because not everyone has a comfy couch to sleep on

and a warm home to live in

and I have RUNNING water

IN my home

and that isn't so …

in all the wide world..

the Lord has blessed me SO MUCH

so 

I give thanks and Praise to our FATHER

ever ungracefully stumbling

after

the KING

because this isn't just

some sucky weeks in my life

in the lives of my family

it's a grand adventure

a right royal trial

and 

we must meet it 

boldly

and not back down.

AIP…. Auto Immune Paleo Diet

Because it's just SO fun

being so complicated?

no…

not at all.

It's called 

AIP

it's a bit of a spin off of the 

Paleo diet

it's Auto Immune Paleo Diet.

My doctor recommended it over doing the GAPS diet.

some of you are nodding your head…

in understanding and agreement...

some of you are throwing food at the computer

in total disbelief and shock..

because GAPS is what saved you…

and to others of you..

I may as well be speaking Greek.

Ah yes..

the other side of Tante Nika…

The side I don't LOVE to write… about…

The technical

medical

side of me…

I'll be totally honest here..

I am not as smart as I once was..

and there are random facts and bits of data

that are just IN me

and I don't know where they came from

but they are right and true

and always impress my doctors..

I KNOW they are things 

Moriarty just..

ate for lunch or something …

so 

there is this whole world 

of….

nutrition

that has NOTHING to do with that 

PYRAMID thing you were taught in school…

like NOTHING…

it's all about

non gmo

organic

sustainably grown

locally grown

raw

free range

grass fed

whole food

honest food

coconut oil

bone broth

fermented foods

butter

seed saving

food coops

farmers markets

aquaponics

herbs

kombucha

kefir

kimchi

yogurt

krauts

kale

protein

healthy fats

probiotics

pre biotics

omega 3

vitamin D

healing

and hope…

it's about the gut brain connection

and 

breaking free of medications

but healing our bodies 

with foods..

yah..

I probably sound like …

a hippie chick..

some granola gal…

but it's a movement

and it's real..

it's full of regular moms and dads

with kids who are sick

and we are part of it..

this trying to heal movement

and our doctors are part of it

and it's exciting

because we've experienced

SO MUCH healing already from it..

but.

enter brain tumor

and set backs..

I confess..

when my mom was sick that last year…

I really was sick

and I really wasn't taking the best care.

my baby was sick

REALLY sick

and my dad was sick

but busy pretending he wasn't

and my mom..

she was dying..

and there was just 

SO MUCH to do

and then she died

and there was NO time to grieve

there was just

even MORE to do

and then My dad got sicker

and sicker

and it was Cancer

and the Little Man 

was sicker

always he was so so ill..

and really 

I didn't take care of me..

and now..

it's time..

like a big fat horrible debt that wants to be paid.

that really IS how it works…

our body's NEED to be cared for..

and when we get all caught up in the caring for others

when we fail to do that caring for SELF

things go amiss..

THAT is why they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself 

FIRST

because without it on..

you really can't be a help to anyone else..

and now..

I am not much of a help to anyone else…

I just hang out with Jesus on the couch…

me and Jesus..

me and Buddy and Math books

it's really not as helpful as I normally could be.

I know you will all tell me how amazing I am..

I know that…

because you do..

you tell me that…

but 

it's not really so..

I really suck all the time..

anything cool you see..

That is JESUS in me..

ALL Jesus

ALL the time..

if you see anything sucky …

that is me

ALL Tante nika

ALL the time…

so..

WE are setting about to CHANGE things…

SETTING about 

to put OFF bad habits

bad habits put on for good reasons

are still bad habits..

and setting about to put on GOOD habits..

Doctor says we need to REBOOT my body's system..

my endocrine is screwed up

my gut is screwed up

my glucose is screwed up

my thyroid is screwed up

my hormones are screwed up

my cholesterol is screwed up

pre-cancer cells

pre-diabetic levels

pre this pre that

and a freaking brain tumor to boot..

means

ok…

sure…

whatever..

so 

here goes..

AIP

Auto

Immune

Paleo

DIET

on top of..

some hormones

and supplements…for cholesterol

and for all those areas..

and diet to heal

I have agreed to everything..

and asked for time to learn it..

I don't want to just jump in and drown..

I want to learn it..

understand the why's 

the hows 

the behind the scenes..

the recipes…

and then..

start…

Dr. agreed to this..

but he was stern..and…

drum roll..

excited.

He said we should see a near turn around in the next 3 months

THREE MONTHS…

with my delay..

that would still be by March..

BY MARCH?

he said to call if I get weak from drastic weight loss..

????

shut the front door…

REALLY?

no one ever said that before..

in all the years of treatment..

they NEVER try to offer weight loss..

in fact

i have only ever gained weight with the other doctors..

they never offered healing

they never even offered hope to 

MANAGE my health

they never

offer

hOPe

so..

all that to say

as scary as this 

new diet is..

I am

really

really 

excited

to 

maybe

JUST

maybe

HEAL

really 

really 

HEAL

because I can not

remember

except for that brief time in France..

I can't remember a time in my adult life when I was not

in pain

not sick

not struggling..

I am so ..

hopeful

and thankful

to each of you for joining me

in prayer

because i really like LIFE

and am SO excited to 

just LIVE IT again

yay me!

sitting here 

with my oxygen mask on

hanging out

with 

JESUS

Saturday memory wanderings

Saturday Mornings..

They've always been my favorite…

Every since I was a very little girl..

Saturday Mornings often meant 

BACON

and egg 

breakfasts

being cooked by my father

as he sang joyfully in the Kitchen..

I can't express the happy memory that 

THAT is for me

and HOW deeply 

that I miss him..

but still I LOVE Saturday mornings

This Saturday morning 

I woke with a migraine

I KNOW this will NOT always be… 

I know the days of waking this way are on their way out

that ..

Moriarty is a BRAT.. 

an evil Villian

and that I live in the best fairy tale story ever…
I know who the VICTOR IS

I love the characters that live in my story… 

I love Princess…

and CS and Buddy and darling Little man… 

 LOVE Knight in Shining Armor (aka)

Machine Man :) 
you..
each of you
are becoming part of the story..
just by reading
by praying..

I LOVE my KING…

THE KING OF KINGS

and LORD of Lords

Worthy is the

 KING

HOLY HOLY HOLY 

is the King

and if this story 

my story

needed a villian.. 

if it really 

freaking NEEDED a 

"Moriarty"

to be all whole and complete…

thrilling and exciting

than I KNOW who defeats him… 

and I will 

HOLD FAST

to the ONE

who defeats

who restores

who heals

who promises eternal salvation

even if it takes months.. 

and months for Moriarty to die

months to even KNOW… 

i will be BRAVE…

This tale may get boring for you…

it will go over hill and dale

mountain and moor

fair winds and foul

I will wander ever ever after…

it may take me places 

off 

the beaten path

This adventure

it's not mine to weave

just to tell..

but I vow

to try to be

BRAVE

because 

I KNOW THE ONE 

who came to set me free

came to heal

who offers hope

finds the LOST

I know Jesus Christ

like I know nothing else

and

that will be what I hold to…

fast

like to memories 

of breakfast being made

by a loving father 

singing sweetly

on Saturday Mornings..

awakening 

EVERY 

sense in the

mind..

I will HOLD

and BE brave

fields

there is something so beautiful 

at 

Blessings Farm

when the morning light hasn't yet

hit the front of my field

but has hit the neighbors..

It looks rather magical…

because MY field

looks captured

enslaved by frost;

beholden,

by a certain chill

it's shocking really

desperate

striking

and beautiful.

The pain in my brain…

it holds me

It holds me tight

but there is this promise

of it's release

I can see it in the fields beyond

and today

today at two of my medication intervals

I needed 1/2 dose of pain meds

autumn is still here

and winter is still coming

coming with it's cold

with its chill

and ice

but there was warmth in my bones today

briefly

life in my brain today

briefly

and it offered hope

and it was thrilling

because I love life.

and I have NO desire to lay down with winter.

but rather

to gather up the wood

and the tea

and the roots…

to hang the meat to dry,

and stack some books

and hunker down

for a winter 

of healing

a winter of restoration 

Overcoming Moriarty

won't be about

just popping some pills

but about ME

taking back 

this 

GIFT

called 

LIFE

playing the cards

i know..
that I am a Slllllllooooooooooowwwwww healer.

I expect  that..
i am always THRILLED
when, i heal at all..

Living with Lyme for nearly 22 years..

 nearly dying from it.. 

driving to New York City in a snow storm to meet that nice little doctor from China… 

well..

it changed me.

but sometimes… 

I am like a deer caught in the headlights when I see my husband come home sick.. 

and i FEEL his annoyance at MY still being sick…

see.. MY husband is awesome..

he isn't an adulterer

he comes home EVERY day…

to me.

he isn't abusive…

he LOVES me.. 

he's kind and everything.

we don't fight all the time..

HE is my best friend..

we've been married 20 years…

but… 

he's been married to ME for 20 years

.. and sometimes.. 

I feel like he's been.. 

stuck with this sick chick…

like he got a lemon when he walked down that isle…

yes.. that vow we said included 

FOR BETTER OR WORSE

in SICKNESS or in HEALTH

it's just… 

hard.. 

when you.. 

YOU are the one.. 

sick .. 

SO often.. 

and YOU can't live up to expectations… 

that he may or may not have… 

about your healing.. 

HE is awesome..

I suck…

blah blah blah.. 

big FAT whine fest …

seriously… 

what is in these meds???

all that to say.. 

chronic illness GROWS you…

stretches you..

we had a BLAH 

and then we had a tender talk…

and now I just feel fragile…

and broken..

and thankful..

It's so important we cherish one another in our families…

that we try to be tender with one another

that we LOVE…one another..

THROUGH illness..

through trials..

because the truth is.. they come..

those darts from the enemy..

the bridges washed out,

the blah blah blah's 

the colds, the flu's

the ugly moments..

and the hurtful words..

grace, forgiveness, and LOVE 

must be what we deal …

Patience… 

how can I say this?

because I am SO grace filled?

so forgiving?

so loving?

so patient?

oh my…

do NOT think quite so highly of little ol' me

no!

I know this 

 because I so need it SO MUCH!

and 

when one is sick.

and BROKEN..

for as LONG or

as frequently

as I have been,

one knows what one needs…

and so..

when my man came home last night..

and I didn't give him what 

HE needed..
those cards…
patience, 
grace, forgiveness, love…
well

it was a painful…

slap in MY face..

because
 I should KNOW better..

I should BE a better friend

a better wife..

and I hope to do better today…
I hope to play better the cards
I HAVE BEEN DEALT

SNAP

Preschool project brought gluten into my home..

which was ingested this morning by 

.. Little Man…

we induced vomiting & necessary extra things….

but there is NO guarantee what we did is sufficient..

HIS grace IS..

for what EVER is coming..

please pray for our Little Man

Gluten is about the WORST thing in the world for him..

like Buddy getting peanuts

but an EPI doesn't help…

please pray that our efforts were enough

and

that IF they weren't

God's amazing grace would see us through

YET another storm

Last time there was..

accidental gluten ingestion..

little man was violently ill 

with neuro and psych symptoms for 

about 30 days

and then his little gut was wrecked

so he underwent

about 60 days of detox repair for infection etc

(yes totally DR supervised.. a REAL MD and all!)

it was 3 months people

3 months of hell

for him

for us

it was painful.

all around

and we aren't exactly OVER the experience here

and none of us want to 

REPEAT it

ever.

no.

not EVER.

The New York Times had this

pretty good article on the topic of

gluten and neuro/psych issues

CLICK HERE

for any of you interested in learning about it..

I know that the whole 

"gluten free" movement has many

rolling their eyes…

lots of people think it's a fad…

but in my house..

it's as scary as a bee sting on Buddy …

whose anaphylactic

we don't mess with bees

or peanuts

or gluten around here…

 so far.. no call from school..

 thank you all for prayers !!! 

KEEP THEM COMING

 as you are led through out the day!

  Lord willing we got it OUT of hm… 

Either way.. Jesus HAS this.. 

It's just SO hard.. because in EVERY real sense of the word,

"nothing"..

there IS nothing..

 nothing that I can do..

I can ONLY pray.. 

ONLY hope.. 

ONLY trust.. 

ONLY wait on our King… 

And IF he wants our family to go through this dark and horrible valley again.. 

than I KNOW HE will see us through it.. 

with out me trying to do this, or that to fix, or fuss.. 

HE really REALLY has us.. in the palm of HIS hands.. a

nd I KNOW that is supposed to "FEEL" so comforting.. 

but it scares the CRAP out of me ! 

at the same time as bringing me comfort.. 

just being real… j

just.. saying… 

it's like free falling into a bottomless pit.. 

and just … trusting the bungee cord AIN'T gonna snap!