Not all who Wander… are Lost...

I came to Christ as an adult.. 

and I remember one day… 
years later

standing in Lyon France,
where the Romans once Martyred Christians… 

and thinking.. 
thinking hard..
and praying..
and another time....

I remember reading Pilgrims progress… 
and thinking…

and reading Hinds Feet in High Places..

and AGAIN thinking..

The more I read Scripture, 

The more I was compelled to read the others who have gone before me..

and so..

I was drawn into their tales…

being allegorically minded…

C.S. Lewis… has my a place in my heart forever!

and it made me think… always it made me think…the SAME thing…

When I read J.R.R. Tolkein

I felt.. and still do.. a kindred spirit..

I knew… I could do..

THIS 

what ever 

THIS might be… I could follow my KING

if my KING was this KING Jesus of the Holy Scriptures

I was reading every day in my Bible…

yes..I would look at the maps,

knowing my map would be different, 

I could bear the ring…

I could go into Mordor..

or help

or fight Orgs…

or…

so I thought...

and so many times in my life…I have spent time…

thinking.. and telling God…

in my prayers…

in my worship…

humbly,

truthfully..

"WHERE YOU go, I go.. Where YOU stay.. I stay… 

You say, Lord, you will never leave me, nor forsake me,

that with YOU I have nothing to fear, because with YOU on my side, 

who can really be against me.. You have aptly described my many future enemies.. 

I have had many already… 

I am ready to do this….

What EVER it takes"  

… yep… I have said that to God .. countless times… 

I even GET that part of this spiritual warfare is MY own self being so weak

and SO broken 

and SO frail, that I am unable to always sense HIS presence…

HE is there 

..and I don't always "feel" like… 

when someones eyes suddenly stop working .. 

and they don't SEE you… 

their other senses aren't fine tuned … 

so they didn't kick in…

it's trauma…

that's what this is.. I get it… 

He taught me.. in His word.. 

I studied HIS word.. Memorized His word.. hid it in my heart… 

I studied like I had no time.. like there was a test.. and now… 

I know why…. and honestly I … I feel broken… 

I don't ask … "why?'… 
or "WHY ME?"
I know why… "

I don't even ask "where am I?"… 

I kinda wanna ask ….like the typical kid in the back of the car…. 

on the road trip from hell…

ABBA FATHER???? 

how much longer?  

how much further must we travel? 

I am so tired.. so broken… so scattered… 

I am loosing bits and pieces of ME and them..

and they …

WE were all so wonderful IN YOU LORD!!!!! 

and …I miss us..

I miss the me, and the us we were in you…

I miss the family we came to be as we came to know you..

Then… the other part of me.. 

wants to go back to being that girl…

in ripped blue jeans and a bikini top, with braids in her hair and jewelry everywhere

sitting on the beach… 

drunk with sun and sand, 

and a little red wine… 

(not that I still have my bikini wearing powers)…

part of me..

just…

misses ME …. 

and misses MY kids before the walk through the valley of the shadow of death… 

and misses my husband… before the constant battles…

and misses that super cool super power of FEELING the presence of God…

MISSES when Moriarty wasn't around and I could worship at church..

and not be stuck outside like a leper..

alone..

rejected…

but the truth is…

His love is steady.. and faithful and true..

oh it feels so long, this part of the walk. so hard.. I thought I was so brave, so ready… I am feeling like such a wimpy girlie girl…

Moriarty may be in my brain,

making it hard for me to explain

but there is this whole world..

called my life

that is crazy right now…

and I don't get to explain that…

because it involves..

other peoples lives…

and their stories..

and until I am ready to sit down with them..

and write this down as a book,

with a contract,

and proceeds to go to help their situations..

I can't write it all here..

just know..

that I feel like I gut sucked into 

Wonderland

and I can't get back home.

yet.