little stresses

seeing clearly

crisply

brightly

well

I don't

things are fuzzier

a bit too dim

and other times

everything is 

a bit too bright

I get headaches a LOT

and had my vision checked..

my eyes look groovy

and 

this friday

I will meet the 

Neuro Ophthalmologist  

and it seems

weird.

like I am making too much of things..

and…

I have so much on my plate..

I hardly want more

but.. 

my eye doctor really supports me going

she is so great

I am so thankful for her.

God really has blessed me with some great health care providers.

I have had in the past, some pretty awful ones…

but ..

I have to say, I am blessed with some of the best doctors EVER

…

thank you Lord..

praying for peace

as

I prepare for Friday..

I really feel a little stressed meeting new doctors

Not all who Wander… are Lost...

I came to Christ as an adult.. 

and I remember one day… 
years later

standing in Lyon France,
where the Romans once Martyred Christians… 

and thinking.. 
thinking hard..
and praying..
and another time....

I remember reading Pilgrims progress… 
and thinking…

and reading Hinds Feet in High Places..

and AGAIN thinking..

The more I read Scripture, 

The more I was compelled to read the others who have gone before me..

and so..

I was drawn into their tales…

being allegorically minded…

C.S. Lewis… has my a place in my heart forever!

and it made me think… always it made me think…the SAME thing…

When I read J.R.R. Tolkein

I felt.. and still do.. a kindred spirit..

I knew… I could do..

THIS 

what ever 

THIS might be… I could follow my KING

if my KING was this KING Jesus of the Holy Scriptures

I was reading every day in my Bible…

yes..I would look at the maps,

knowing my map would be different, 

I could bear the ring…

I could go into Mordor..

or help

or fight Orgs…

or…

so I thought...

and so many times in my life…I have spent time…

thinking.. and telling God…

in my prayers…

in my worship…

humbly,

truthfully..

"WHERE YOU go, I go.. Where YOU stay.. I stay… 

You say, Lord, you will never leave me, nor forsake me,

that with YOU I have nothing to fear, because with YOU on my side, 

who can really be against me.. You have aptly described my many future enemies.. 

I have had many already… 

I am ready to do this….

What EVER it takes"  

… yep… I have said that to God .. countless times… 

I even GET that part of this spiritual warfare is MY own self being so weak

and SO broken 

and SO frail, that I am unable to always sense HIS presence…

HE is there 

..and I don't always "feel" like… 

when someones eyes suddenly stop working .. 

and they don't SEE you… 

their other senses aren't fine tuned … 

so they didn't kick in…

it's trauma…

that's what this is.. I get it… 

He taught me.. in His word.. 

I studied HIS word.. Memorized His word.. hid it in my heart… 

I studied like I had no time.. like there was a test.. and now… 

I know why…. and honestly I … I feel broken… 

I don't ask … "why?'… 
or "WHY ME?"
I know why… "

I don't even ask "where am I?"… 

I kinda wanna ask ….like the typical kid in the back of the car…. 

on the road trip from hell…

ABBA FATHER???? 

how much longer?  

how much further must we travel? 

I am so tired.. so broken… so scattered… 

I am loosing bits and pieces of ME and them..

and they …

WE were all so wonderful IN YOU LORD!!!!! 

and …I miss us..

I miss the me, and the us we were in you…

I miss the family we came to be as we came to know you..

Then… the other part of me.. 

wants to go back to being that girl…

in ripped blue jeans and a bikini top, with braids in her hair and jewelry everywhere

sitting on the beach… 

drunk with sun and sand, 

and a little red wine… 

(not that I still have my bikini wearing powers)…

part of me..

just…

misses ME …. 

and misses MY kids before the walk through the valley of the shadow of death… 

and misses my husband… before the constant battles…

and misses that super cool super power of FEELING the presence of God…

MISSES when Moriarty wasn't around and I could worship at church..

and not be stuck outside like a leper..

alone..

rejected…

but the truth is…

His love is steady.. and faithful and true..

oh it feels so long, this part of the walk. so hard.. I thought I was so brave, so ready… I am feeling like such a wimpy girlie girl…

Moriarty may be in my brain,

making it hard for me to explain

but there is this whole world..

called my life

that is crazy right now…

and I don't get to explain that…

because it involves..

other peoples lives…

and their stories..

and until I am ready to sit down with them..

and write this down as a book,

with a contract,

and proceeds to go to help their situations..

I can't write it all here..

just know..

that I feel like I gut sucked into 

Wonderland

and I can't get back home.

yet.

drink it in…

I am parched.

A girl in a dry and 

WEARY LAND.

exhausted

and fatigued..

This week.. 

well..

the past few weeks…

I have had this cold…

flu..

THING..

and every time, I start to get better..

some human

(GOD BLESS YOU ALL)

hands me yet another version of it…

probably my children..

once my husband..

perhaps some nameless person at the grocer's?

oh well..

we have established how stellar my immune system is?

well yes.. there is that.

but my week ahead..

this on and the next..

look a bit like this trail

and HEAVING my wee SELF up each step..

is a bit of an effort..

in fact, EVERY little thing..

FEELS like an effort.

A sinus infection

on top of my tumor..

IS SO MUCH WORSE

than ever before…

somehow,

my brain feels so 

wounded and tender…

(YES it could be IN my head.. I COULD Be imagining it)

I am a big fat baby!

I can't THINK clear

my eyes BURN

post nasal UGH

make me cough and my throat is 

RAW…

again!

I am dry..

drying OUT ..

it's awful..

seriously

this is on and off for about 6 weeks..

I need FRESH air..

I hate this dryness of my home..

so we bought a humidify thing..

it helps but.. only a little

I WANT FRESH AIR…

but living in Northern Illinois

means…

IF I open the windows

I FREEZE my face off

and fingers and toes..

and that of my children..

so husband won't allow it…

it's HORRID!!!

(insert dramatic cry)

During the SAME time..

but perhaps a bit longer…

My very sexy husband,

Machine Man himself

has had a back injury..

so WE are a sight for sore eyes..

sad old cronies…

with a TON going on

every day!

we fight for the heating pad..

why we have not bought another..

escapes me..

alas..

we are silly, and madly in love..

(emphasis on madly … but only this week)

The next few days..

(big clear throat)

perhaps 2-3 weeks..

are pretty non stop here..

and the trail will be pretty harsh…

going from that above

to

certainly not the deadliest 

most treacherous trail we've been on..

but CRAZY…

exhausting

non the less..

and all that 

whilst pretty wiped out..

GOD is great..

and every single day here 

REALLY is

ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

(think of the song)

(comment if you know the movie)

you don't want to .. 

RUN with small children down this trail…

watch where you go..

careful with your steps..

and some days..

we get pretty gosh darn discouraged.

we TRY to remind ourselves..

lots of kid things.

LOTs of doctor things..

lot's of things that overwhelm…,

the me part of the us..,

and put a lot of pressure on the him part of the us..

I can't express more to how I am so thankful for my husband...

YET, as hard as things are some days..

we've been through  harder days than these…

and truth be told… the days ahead...may be harder still..

but we can hold fast,

to one another,

and to Christ,

because we HAVE hope..

we have held on so long.

why let go NOW?

so the weeks ahead… 

MAY

look daunting..

the calendar jam packed and bursting at it's lines…

Appointments over booked..,

babysitters in need..,

trips and procedures needed rescheduling..,

 And, it's all quite..

overwhelming,

exhausting,

tiresome,

and

yet, He has this..

I lift up my LIFE to Jesus Christ..

Author and perfecter of my faith..

seriously..

there is NO way I could do it all..

I can't even write about it all without sobbing…

so I get all general here on this blog.

 Some day..

the trails down the mountain.. will look more like that..

I will lie in green pastures..

and HE will restore MY weary soul…

dreaming of summer

and lemonade on a porch,

music and laughter,

and BBQ on the grill, 

catch firefly's in a jar,

roast  marshmallow's round the fire pit..

I am 

dreaming of sweet times of fellowship

when breaks from these trials come..

because

the breaks do come..

sometimes they are not as long as we wish them to be

but they do come..

so we try to drink them in when they come…

those butterflies

and 

smell of fresh mowed lawns

roses blooming

lavender

and daisies in the field..

bicycle rides

and giggles on long long walks…

maybe it will last the summer..

maybe one Sunday afternoon..

but it's coming..

and I am eagerly awaiting

my time of refreshment 

with the Lord

I am going to 

DRINK

IT 

IN

because 

I AM THIRSTY

p.s. you all must know… I want you to know, as a hiker, I would much rather be actually hiking these trails than be on this spiritual hike… not my choice

love and trust

serious… I saw this wonderful piece on Pinterest today.. 

I don't know the artist.. but simply HAD to share …

It's captured my heart, and where I feel I am… 

I hope you are as moved by it as I am…

because..

I really

REALLY 

don't understand HIS plan..

but I love

and trust HIM.

Yet even as much as I love HIM,

even that, is less than HE has shown His love towards me…

feeling..

overwhelmed,

by it ALL.

and by HIM

and 

HIS love

lost in the great big sea, little me

alas…

It's a bit of a challenging season for me.

Perhaps, the season you face is challenging too.

The other day I received an urgent prayer text from a dear friend,

telling me her child was in hospital…. 

There I was, in the same hospital, 

facing so many doctors,

for hours on end

for a child of my own.

Sometimes, all we can do, 

Is say our prayers,

TRUST 

in this wonderful God who loves us

and

some days,

are just hard days.

They grow us,

change us,

refine us,

challenge us,

renew us,

and we, are never the same after they have come,

and they have gone..

When the dust has settled,

and the weeks have passed,

and we look back on those days,

more often than not,

even with the PAIN, 

still searing in our hearts,

most of us,

at least most of those who have shared with me,

and said the same,

we can look back, 

and honestly say,

those were the days 

that everything changed.

The tide turned,

things may have gotten worse

or what EVER,

but we, began to grow 

STRONGER,

rise up to meet,

to greet,

to breath deeper,

those are the days,

where the defeats lessened

and we begin

to see the victory 

even if ONLY from within..

and 

really…

that is the ONLY place it matters.

HE has got me…

He HAS got YOU…

Call on HIS name,

and put your hope in Jesus..

Here's to all of us,

who feel like a little Nemo,

swimming in a great big Sea,

against tides,

and big creatures wanting to eat us,

temperatures we can NOT withstand,

trusting,

hoping against all hope,

in the ONE

who 

IS 

the ONLY one

worth hoping in.

Relax… you are not alone

RELAX

Doctors are funny people..

They have this secret… amazing sense of humor..

you have to be PRETTY sneaky,

pretty snarky to catch it..

which gives you all,

GREAT insight into 

MY sense of humor..

but..

catch it,

you can..

They say things like…

"find ways to de stress"

to mothers of many children..

or

"you need to find a way to relax"

to mothers of children with special needs

or

"how can you incorporate calm,  in your life"

to mothers with children who struggle with mental health battles..

all the while

the mother could just

crumble..

or burst into laughter..

I often 

burst into laughter

or crack a joke back at them..

like..

"gee, when I figure out the answer to that,

I will be able to pay off YOUR student loans as well as ALL my kids"

insert belly laugh…

SERIOUSLY

insert…

calm…?

peace?

I pray to JESUS for those things…

those are the amazing gifts He writes to me about..

and calm…

well…

that is I believe part of my progressive sanctification..

Jesus CALMED the storm

and I know He can CALM my life

but lets be frank..

not Frank.. the fun guy down the block,

but frank

as in be REAL

to the point

honest…

sometimes…

life IS stormy

hard to manage,

out of sorts…

What things can we do to restore SOME peace back into our lives?

Here are things that I have learned through YEARS of time in the Word

and walking through many challenges…

Psalm 90:12  So teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom

The two basic things I glean from this is to to find time for the Lord, to be intentional about applying my heart unto the wisdom of His word.  

His word brings to me such peace, and such relationship with Him, so it is essential that I apply my heart first and always to prayer and reading of the Holy Bible.  

The second thing I glean from this passage, is the numbering of my days… 

 that my days on this earth and my applying my heart to seeking after His wisdom towards and knowing His heart should is something I want to be very intentional about. That my days NOT be full of chaos, but have some as semblance of order.. 

So.. having a good day planner, so my silly mind doesn't get overwhelmed has helped ME.. 

I need to CARVE out time for the things that MATTER most.. 

I also need to SEE all those other super important things on that calendar.. 

or I will.. forget them.they will flit and float right out of my mind..

I have brain issues, so I also have a VERY big desk planner hanging from my wall… 

for the WHOLE family to see.. 

we have regular brief family meetings to make sure every calendar is up to date with dates and events.. I have SO much more peace knowing where I am supposed to be.. 

My dearest friend went so far as to hang up 2 of these calendars, one is always one month ahead, 

so she can see forward better.. Her family serves in ministry, and she NEEDS the peace that comes with just standing back and looking at the days and knowing where and when things are planned..

It may or may not all come about..

as unto the Lord.. and all THAT.. but REALLY,

these two things,

bring about peace!

being intentional

with our time

daily

and planning 

brings great peace..

The next thing I do…

well TRY every single DAY to do..

is remember to read this..

and then..

I take all my needs…

and I write them down..

all of them..

then.. because God is a God of Order..

and my mind is sooo sooo dis-organized

I rearrange it all..

I write my 

To-DO list

which is stuff around the house..

like.. laundry, clean the floors, wipe the cabinets, wash the sheets, clean the dishes, make dinner, put books away, do that science experiment with Buddy, organize the desk, sort pill box, call certain doctors for appointments etc…

Errand List

go to library, Trader Joes, Costco, best friends, pick up kid at school, post office, lab for blood work, doctor appointment for (fill in the blank), gas station, pharmacy

Grocery List

produce, meats, spices, toiletries, gluten free snacks, gluten free bread

Fix List

everything that NEEDS fixing… like the toilet, the kitchen, (yes the WHOLE kitchen is on that list), closet & door for Princess, and windows, and curtains for ALL the bedrooms, and… and … and.. 

wow.. that list is too long and embarrassing to actually post on the world wide web! ha!

Learn List

Things I need the kids to learn.. I NEED to teach them, or need them to learn from someone somewhere.. so IF I am not going to teach them, I need to find a tutor or teacher or class someplace for them to learn that particular skill… 

Having some lists.. not too many, but having them .. helps, because I really won't remember otherwise.. sticky notes help.. because I write it down, and let GOD know about it.. and now.. there it is.. He will provide for it, with time, talent or resources.. or .. he won't.. I pray, and write,and wait.. He's NEVER made me wait LONG on the food.. but I have waited over 2 years on the dishwasher.. so I just wash by hand.. pretty soon, it looks like I might get a WHOLE new kitchen out of this … YAY God!  Often waiting, means what you want is NOT good for you, other times, it means something better is coming your way.. I really hope, the later for this kitchen fiasco.. (**smiles**)

all this to say, writing these things down…

giving order to the chaos to my mind

giving written word back to the gracious loving God

who first wrote to ME

(like writing notes in school.. so so cool)

is very stress releasing.

Once its on that paper,

and I have had my chat with God as I write it,

It's NOT a stress.

I know, HE has it.

Other areas that I am working on….That I KNOW I need to work on…

Drinking warm herbal tea

drinking LESS caffeine 

(I am down to, 2 cups of coffee a day!)

less icy cold beverages

more stretching of my muscles,

so they don't' retain and HOLD their tense posture ALL the day long.

We cleared a space for our Pilates

but for now

I am just beginning my "miracle ball" exercises

and basic stretches…

as well as the 

aromatic medicine I am learning in school…

Trying to keep the home clear of "clutter" is a HUGE challenge,

but VERY helpful!

as my mind becomes highly strained at excessive chaotic areas…

Healing foods is also helpful

so planning meals out at the very minimum one day ahead seems to help with stress.

I have a long way to go.

Stress seems to be PART of the package I have right now..

I am definitely NOT trying to write a lecture.

CLEARLY I am IN the battle.

I suppose the exciting part is… 

I am still battling on, I have not lost, I have not surrendered to the chaos.

I have victories weekly…

I have HOPE in the Lord…

I know this is an issue many of us struggle with.

Being a caretaker for children with health issues,

children with special needs,

puts us at greater risk for health issues ourselves.

WHEN we have to face those health crisis,

we have to face them with a confidence that others can't imagine!

If you are facing such a challenge,

please know,

you are not alone,

you are loved,

and there ARE things,

even little things,

that you CAN do,

to make a little dent 

in the chaos of your life.

and bring pieces of peace,

scraps of order, 

shards of calm 

to some of the moments 

that make up your days…

taking the places 

where the chain

that is you

the parts of you that are broken

are then mended..

bright

and bold and beautiful…

I don't match AT all anymore..

I have these cool,

heavy chains… that I am.

but where they broke..

from sickness, 

sadness,

death,

grief,

pain,

suffering,

tumor,

blah, blah, blah,

fill in the blank,

They are getting MENDED,

In the coolest

shiniest 

happiest colors..

don't be afraid to bring in your broken places..

just saying…

Those are now..

the best parts of me

you..

are never alone

are we numb…

Is the TV & Internet

the new

ARENA 

for Persecutors of Christianity?

Things that really CAUSE brain pain...

are we numb…?

 just inoculated by our media and movies…

 our netflix and .. video games…? 

there is SO much darkness and death in our culture.. 

so many shows surrounding murder and destruction.. 

do we even … really FEEL the impact of it.. 

when it really IS… anymore?

THIS week in history…

21 Christians were murdered… for their Faith in Jesus Christ…

yes.. 21 were martyred for JESUS… 

this isn't the days of Nero…

 but it is 2015 and is LIVE and televised… 

THIS day in history

21 real people… were murdered by REAL people in the name of Islam… or ISIS … 

these were REAL people .. who did this.. who had this done to them.. 

It is SO sad…so disturbing.. and I shutter at the thought… 

It's so easy for me to focus on all this other stuff… 

when the MOST important thing.. is my walk and my FAITH and my work in Christ…

 I am called to fix my eyes on the prize.. would I be as brave, were I to bear that orange garment… ? Would I raise my children to be as brave, to love the Lord their God so dearly,

 that they would never deny Him… 

I certainly can NOT save my children..

 but I CAN show them, can tell them, how much I love Him.. and HOW much He loves them…

 I can demonstrate my love for Him, and choose to be intentional in how I parent..

 In how I love my husband, and my neighbors…

 Lord.. let me be intentional in my LOVE.. Let me be more BOLD in my love… Let me not grow cold or indifferent to injustice and violence… grace me with compassion that moves me to do YOUR work in my world… and Lord.. I lift up to you all the loved ones of the 21 who lost their lives THIS week.. and all the weeks before.. and pray… for all those who TOOK the lives.. Dear Lord.. they know not what they do, bring them to YOU, forgive them, free them, and save them..

 In JESUS' name…amen