forest full

Forest full...

so much…

there is so much..

so many things to manage

it's like finding a path through these woods..

being aware of potential … threats… dangers.. enemies..

looking at it..

It's mesmerizing,

challenging,

exhausting

and overwhelming.

Sorting through so many diagnoses,

so many dietary changes

added to existing dietary stresses in the family;

So many medications, supplements,

NOT just for me, 

because I am NOT the only patient, 

the woods of my mind are full of trees...

all the needs of the children

the home in chaos from the fall through of the sale..

there is SO much

today…

today two very different things happened…

the first..

I got to go to church.

not my normal church.. 

life here made it so there was NO way to get out of the house early enough.

sometimes mornings are profoundly difficult for me.

so, because it REALLY is just about JESUS…

right?

My beloved did a little googling

and he and I went out to worship.

Littles were not in company.

did I mention chaos?

I joke not

Church.

Really it was fine.

It was just SO nice to hear God's word preached.

So nice to be among people who LOVE Jesus..

We did not see anyone we knew...

We did NOT get to worship through music.

Which is always a bummer because I LOVE singing out to Jesus.

These modern churches make SUCH a thing about their 

ROCK bands and their SOUND board techies 

PUMP up the VOLUME

so much

that my brain, was IN PAIN…

I can SO see how that would please Jesus..

we hung out side the doors with the other lepers..

This perhaps is just where Jesus wants me..

with the lepers.

Left out.

I think it's ok.. because Jesus was amongst them…

I believe He is amongst those who suffer in churches..

I see those waiting for the painful music to end,

  I am amongst those waiting to scramble to their seats

and hear the sermon..

All those beautiful souls,  who when a song is sung,

with OUT the band… sing loud,

voices full of thanks and joy and praise…

mine rising with theirs.

It was great to be AT church…

NOT to watch a sermon "online"

I haven't been… since Easter…

when I got terribly ill.. 

from poor ventilation and perfume and music..

Church..

Once my favorite place,

now, the one place so hard for me to be.

The second thing that happened

was I had a total fall apart…

A peircing pain

A shocking deep pain in my brain

so horrific,

I literally found myself screaming out in pain

by scramming out..

I actually mean

OUT loud..

which.. as you know.. is SO not like me..

I can be loud and boisterous..

but when it comes to pain..

I go stealth..

stoic

I suffer in silence….

this was WOW

sobbing uncontrollably

like an infant.

It was horrible pain..

My heart began to hurt..

My scalp got so hot my hair did it's soaking wet sweaty head thing,

and the pain..

oh MY 

the pain..

and they didn't know what to do for me

these beautiful people I live with..

my family..

Princess got my pain meds

My Man went to be our Little Man.

to calm his little storm..

when his storm passed...

and when I could finally speak…

I asked my beloved...to just hold me..

until the pain lingered..

for a while

but mostly.. the shocking part went away..

while I sat there

rocking crying sobbing

all of the forest flooded my brain…

all of it

and I just felt ..

accosted ..

attacked

and so I prayed…

and prayed..

Two times today

the brain sustained terrible pain

I feel exhausted..

I helped shop

and make dinner

but really..

I could sleep for a week..

I am NOT ready for monday

I am so tired.

When you read about Spiritual Warfare friends

and you wonder what it looks like..

this day

in my life

is just ONE example

some facts

just some facts..

because 

I like facts..

facts help keep me focused…

so I don't get lost in the forest of my emotions.

for more facts

CLICK HERE 

or check out some of those 

handy links I have posted to your right

to learn more about 

Brain Tumors

and about Meningioma's

praising Him in the morning

praising Jesus!

Dairy has been out of my system for more than 72 hours…

YOU have been praying along with me

and last night.. I feel asleep just after 10pm

not 3am

but 10 pm

I didn't wake in the night…

I know.. i know.. perhaps on the surface you are wondering..

THIS is about Moriarty..

why do we care about this diet

and her sleep…

because since surgery I have only had 5 days of sleep… 

in the month since surgery

that is hardly optimal for rest after brain surgery…

Moriarty isn't dead

This sort of surgery is "killing him softly"…

and I am supposed to be resting, healing my body

instead.. my whole body is freaking out

pre cancer cells, pre diabetic numbers, thyroid levels out of whack..

and my other doctor is doing everything to get all that in order

to help me

to de stress, and REST…

my part is to do it..

and I know the FIRST place is on my knees in prayers

asking YOU for prayers

and this I believe I have done.

I have prayed

and waited upon the Lord.

and today that starts with prayers of thanksgiving..

I am thankful for rest,

& for sleep which has eluded me..

Thankful for faithful family and friends who pray for me;

about things that may seem so silly,

that might not seem to be part of the story,

for having faith and praying anyway.

I am thankful to our God for leading me to wise healers, 

in this case known as Doctors & surgeons.

I am thankful for God revealing some of my trigger foods SO early on.

Mostly I am just bursting with thankfulness.

I am able to go places.. even for little short spurts..

I am able to help in the kitchen.. even for little short spurts.. 

I can read.. if I hold my finger to guide my eyes…

The two kids listening are patient with me when I have to think to read about that word…

I am frustrated some days

but thankful at how quickly I am progressing

Thankful how much grace God showers upon me..

ah.. what a nice thing sleep is

God is great

elusive sleep & trusting Jesus

I have struggled with insomnia for SO long.. 

it's gotten so much worse in recent months.

Moriarty,

the hashimotos,

all of it is just wrecking my sleep…

I was ALWAYS told that it was because I was anxious,

and that all I needed  was only to relax…

that I needed to do this,  or to do that;

or that I needed to cast my care on the Lord;

or that, I was perhaps.. 

MAYBE even in sin..
for being so 

stressed you see
because in some Christian circles
being stressed…
having stress is a sin it would seem
… and worrying..
I must be worrying!

but .. though I 

"feel anxious" feelings

I am not .. anxious about anything..

not worrying about anything..

sure I think about stuff..

my mind doesn't go blank…

but I don't fret or worry.. 

I clean..

or go to Pinterest 

and research sites about cleaning

or Painting

or Paleo

or Sensory needs

oh MY

or I..

read..

watch movies..

because

I can't SLEEP…

beautiful 

wonderful

dream filled

rest filled

refreshing 

SLEEP...

it eludes me.

it's awful

because little people are about to wake…and MY day begins

and my chance for sleep won't come again for …..

you follow my thinking .. right?

so.

I have FELT condemned..

I have self condemned..

and have pondered at length

and prayed at length over my sin..

Scripture tells me

it was fabulous to have my doctor say.

that my hormone levels the way they were he's shocked I ever sleep..

that we needed to change my diet, and add certain supplements to my Hashimoto's regimen

 to help me with the anxiety.. because my body is producing stuff 

(see how well I remember the technical stuff… love my post gamma brain.. don't you? :)  !)  

that is making me feel anxious.. he said it's not me.. that I am fine, but that my body isn't.. 

Getting all the supplies before our trip.. made the trip over thanksgiving.. great.. I slept..

wow…

I slept..

then we came back..

and CS had surgery

and there was this.. and that.. and meals to make and laundry and him to care for and it was a lot..

 and supplies ran low..

and I haven't slept well.. at. all. in a week… 

I am  

so tired.

and sleep eludes me..

and my whole body starts shaking.. 

and I feel anxious but i am NOT anxious over anything..

and the head is more achy .. 

is it…

the darkness of the farmhouse

the clean fresh water at the farmhouse

the fact that I had NO cow dairy at the farmhouse

we had the supplies

I had the support…

I had the freedom to just.. nap if need be?

could it BE

the bright lights of burbia? the city home is so…lit up

is it the water?

is it the dairy that I had that is still in me?

is it the lack of supplies from earlier in the week?

is it that this week was just too much.. to hard.. 

was the stress of the new schedule, and CS's surgery, 

his needing care and not being a man to count on.. was it just too much…

I am .. so so tired..

what ever it is..

I have made more bone broth

I have more fat bombs in the freezer

more kale chips in a bag .. with more that can be made..

and hopefully a lighter week lined up..

hopefully..

all that.. 

and I will continue to cast all my care on the Lord

all I can do

is my best

I have to try to live in a place of grace

I have to try to give my SELF that oxygen

but ya know what? 

that is hard

praying for sleep

trusting Jesus

and Not 

my fallible body

Inside… looking out

from the 

INSIDE

looking 

OUT

yes.. I know.. you are used to reading stories all about 

people who are left out.. 

people who are on the outside of a situation looking in..

wishing they are on the inside..

maybe that is what you are doing..

when you read this blog

you are my friend

or family member

or maybe

PERHAPS 

you have never even met me..

perhaps a friend told you about this blog

or you've just stumbled across it

so you identify 

with the age old story of the hero/heroine being on the 

outside.. looking in…

That, is not the story being told here today.

This is my world. My blog. My brain. 

Moriarty is the villian that lives in brain…he is MY tumor.

the people mentioned in this blog, are the people of my life..

the cast of characters in the story… of my life...

The Main settings are a house in a city outside a BIGGER city

and a farm house in the country… far from any city, miles from a town..

Todays post

todays pictures

are from that Farmhouse

and I ..

I am on the Inside.. and I am looking out..

I feel like that a lot.. 

at the farm house and the city house…

trapped inside a body that is NOT working like it should

hiding behind eyes that see a world I once interacted with…

once… engaged with.. so differently than I do now…

Living with chronic illness is isolating…

it can be..

 lonely

but, one learns oneself;

and, one learns about others.

One also learns about God, if ...one is a person

who chooses to learn at all.

It is from a window that I can learn about the seasons,

about the weather, and the migration of birds…

but sometimes,

looking out the window means

not seeing anything, but exactly what God has put out for me to see.

Sometimes

HE wants me to see 

ONLY

that which HE wants me to see..

SOMETIMES

He wants my eyes to be 

FIXED on Him.

For me to glory in HIS magesty

Sometimes

He paints me pictures

so I don't feel lonely 

when they've all left me home alone

while they've gone off to play in the woods

or hunt or what ever

He etches the old glass

with the most beautiful pictures

they are different each morning

if I touch the glass

they disappear

when the sun hits the window…

they disappear..

He never does this in the city house

the glass.. it is new.. fancy glass

Machine Man 

My beloved Husband talks about 

upgrading the windows in the 

"old farmhouse"

making the place more..

"energy efficient"

he .. 

he doesn't know that 

God etches me artwork on my glass 

on lonely winter mornings..

to remind me..

that 

even thought I am a work in progress…

and I may be in this.. fragile state…

and some folks may not understand..

and some days my people are off

living exciting adventures

while I..

I am on the inside looking out..

out on the beautiful wonderful world...

and some days MAY feel lonesome

God is with me..

He has never left me

never will…

and so..

I put off my beloved…

and remind him of the charm of the old windows..

how they work fine.

how many other things need fixing..

because 

God's finger

still writes on surfaces friends..

we just need to look 

at how 

HE writes…

etches

of artwork 

so beautiful

sometimes it's that different perspective

that changes

everything for us

never.. NEVER alone in the woods...

The woods..

They are filled with wonder

delight

fierceness

and fright

darkness

and light

walking in the woods

there are many trails

the crunch of the snow beneath your feet can be either comforting..

or

upsetting if you are TRYING to keep quiet..

with that occasional 

SNAP 

of an unexpected twig 

hidden beneath the white…

hiding

you never know if your hood will snag..

and white will fall on you 

and all around you 

whilst walking in the woods 

after a nice snow fall

In the woods.. walking… alone at night

you can feel

SO very alone.

ever creak

crunch

snap

has SUCH a different sound

at night

in the winter

as compared to

 the day

or in the spring

or in the summer

or in the autumn..

the sounds 

are SO 

shockingly different..

I know, because

I walk these woods..

and have for some time..

 I will stand

and close my eyes

and listen to the lies

of it's silence

because it's never

ever 

really 

actually silent

and since learning of Moriarty

I have paid extra special attention..

spent longer times..

with my eyes shut..

even tried to walk sections of the trails 

with my eyes shut.. 

just feeling my way with a walking stick.

deciding..

whether 

 I would zap him.. or 

or let him live,

and steal my eye sight..

it was a big decision... that Gamma Knife Surgery…

pretty scary stuff… 

another thing I know about walking in the woods alone..

is you are NEVER ever really 

alone

creepy right..?

thinking you are along but 

NOT actually BEING alone...

but it's comforting too..

not only is 

God with me..

but all His creation

deer

chipmunks chasing one another

rabbits playing hide and seek…

there are coyote in the woods

and some bigger animals

and raccoons

and who knows what else...

the quieter I get..

the MORE I hear

and eventually

The more I SEE..

and so ..

and so it is in life

the quieter I am in my home

the MORE I hear

the more  I see

I hear the play

but can I identify the game?

I hear the argument..

but can I discern that tone isn't anger but fear…?

I see the mess

but is do I discern laziness

or illness and being overwhelmed..

am I listening

am I listening

am I?

and in the standing..

or the sitting

In the being 

STILL..

in the listening to the forest

in the listening to the family

in the being still

I hear

and 

God's Word is SO VERY

clear

In the being still 

I can 

KNOW

He is God

and HE is good

even

in the forest

even in the battles

even climbing crazy mountains

even in events surround brain tumors

and all that jazz

He IS good.

In the being still

I am reminded,

 He is ON my side

where EVER I am

He is with me…

He chose …. me.

not for any coolness about me…

but for some purpose ALL His own..

and I am thrilled!

In just

being still..

even in not doing things..

which is SO profoundly difficult for me 

it's in this SITTING and 

just BEING still

HE is doing my fighting for me

and it's HERE

that I need ..

yes NEED to be still

need to observe

need to Wait

need to listen

need to BE patient

need to BE quiet

it's actually a lot to do

walking in the woods

sitting in the house healing amongst my family

a LOT to do

and yet…

it wasn't on "my" list of things to do

it really..

REALLY 

had me re look

at this verse…

just remember..

we are NEVER alone

as ALONE as I feel sometimes..

as LONELY as I feel sometimes

in the woods

in a crowd

in my home 

in the meadow

we are NEVER

EVER

alone..

note to self:

be still,

 observe EVERYTHING, 

listen.. just LISTEN to your surroundings, 

be patient with your self and others and the situation, 

try to be quiet, it's an extension of keeping self still, & listening…

oh..

and breath..

breathing is good…

keeping it real

Sometimes….. 

God leads us beside still waters..

and THAT is sweet.. and those days.. are days of refreshment

days of instruction

days of healing

somedays…

we are warriors called into battle..

anyone who has studied Military History understands there are branches of Military

different lines of attack Military…

we are not all called into front lines of battle long term… 

there are MASH units for reprieve..

that's were I am..

In the dark harsh world of behind enemy lines..

then.. getting dragged across and into MASH units to get patched up

…

so … are all my posts not as heroic as some ill peoples?

are some sort of dark and brooding?

perhaps…

I have a LOT of injuries.. the main one we talk about is Moriarty..

 HE is our Lead Villian.. 

the facts friends are these

I am keeping things

pretty real

pretty hopeful

because 

I am hopeful

I am FULL of hope

but none of this is easy

I won't paint this walk easy…

what if..

what if YOU had to walk it next..

what if you thought…for ONE second

you had to be

…

keeping up with me?

not just surviving it all

not JUST caring for your family

and 

maintaing your marriage

and your health

and learning to cook a whole new way

and 

all the doctors

but you must ACT like your poop smells like roses

while you're doing it all

and sing 

Gum bah ya

all at the same time…

friends..

no one believes that version of Jesus

not EVEN Jesus..

we don't need to TRY to make Jesus look good

we don't NEED to justify HIS actions..

HE is good..

because HE is

His ways are NOT our ways

just because we suffer.

does not mean it's to be hidden..

I remember something.. about HIM suffering..

and it being PRETTY public..

I remember Him saying

we too, 

should pick up OUR cross

and follow

Him…

none of the Big Picture ever painted a perfectly pretty picture

for every one of us

so I promise

I won't do that here either

I won't pretend I am perfect

I am a real person

walking with Christ

a walk He chose for me

(thinking of Hinds feet for High places)

and put on MY heart to share with you 

in this way

Inviting you to pray

to witness 

HIM 

in my life

in the life of my family working..

are you getting the whole story..

no..

you aren't …

somethings are private..

It is my job to keep private things private..

I share some things that I feel safe sharing..

In my private Facebook group if I share with you,

it's private.. 

If you visit me in my home and I share

it's because you are my friend..

that is private.

If I don't share

It's really private.

somethings…

just don't NEED to be on the internet.  

My children

my marriage need protecting too.

but 

you are getting truth..

the fact is I am a sinner

that lives with sinners

and we are 

SAVED 

by Grace

fighting a fight

that 

we haven't fought before…

but we are seasoned 

in battle.

we've just…

never faced 

THIS enemy

knowingly before..

you see.. 

you have to KNOW who

your enemy IS

and WHAT they are after… 

do you?

I do...

He wants my faith

He wants my hope

He wants my family

Moriarty wants the crown

and 

if I seem a little less 

Pollyanna

then some of your friends fighting health battles

I don't know what to say..

I won't say that your friends or family are just putting up a braver face or that they are less sick..

I won't.

I won't say that they are less sick or that they can't possibly be suffering as much of me because that's just ridiculous.

I won't presume.

What I will say is that we each walk our OWN walk with Jesus.

I know a little about MY advisory.

he's devious and a villian and a liar

I know my KING

better and better…

all the time..

HE is faithful and true..

and 

I am pretty clear 

on the whole

Truth and grace thing

no fluff stuff

prayer works when we 

REALLY pray

so 

I just keep it real

I can't put on a brave face for anyone..

I don't have the energy for that.

my fatih..

it's real

this Jesus I follow

HE is REAL

I don't need to make Him look good…

He IS good

ALL the time…

I promise.

no matter HOW much life might suck..

it's great to BE alive

Jesus is good

all the time